midlifedivorcerecovery

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-11-04T08:03:00.000-08:00

Overwhelm is an unavoidable part of midlife divorce. So many changes are coming at us that demand decisions with vital immediate and long-term consequences that we often feel paralyzed. The huge mountain of change we are being forced to make overwhelms us. And on top of that, we've got the money monster staring us in the face. In times of overwhelm , doing small, simple concrete things to regain control will give you confidence to take bigger steps to create more wealth. Don't be discouraged about this time of chaos. Wherever you are financially, be patient with yourself and with the process. Learn. Discipline yourself. Decide where you want to be. Get ready for your own financial enlightenment and the prosperity that always follows!

For the complete blog on going from overwhelm to creating your own personal plan to financial enlightenment, go to www.midlifedivorcerecovery.com and go to today’s Daily Blog. November is our month to start creating the wealth we deserve.

Radically,

Suzy Brown/FriskyRidgewood

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-10-28T05:34:00.000-07:00

A big chunk of the discussion at our R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women Support Group last night revolved around how to end obsessing/processing/ruminating about him or about her or especially about him and her. All of us on the journey fantasized about having real conversations with him including real resolution or explanation or apology. I will tell you after almost 10 years of doing this, that you need to give up any expectation of that happening. It’s futile. Obsess about yourself for awhile. Today, obsess about concrete steps you can take to create the life you want. That's much more productive.

Read the rest of the blog at www.midlifedivorcerecovery.com. Make reading the Daily Blog part of your daily empowerment. This is your life, get all the resources you can to make your life fantastic.

Radically,

Suzy

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-10-26T07:29:00.000-07:00

Here’s how Anne Lamott describes her experience as she was trying to forgive her mother after she died. I “put her (ashes) in the closet for two years to stew in her own ashes, and I refused to be nice to her, and didn’t forgive her for being a terrified, furious, clinging, sucking maw of need and arrogance. “I don’t think he (God) was rolling his eyes impatiently with me while she was in the closet. I don’t think much surprises him: this is how we make important changes --- barely, poorly, slowly. And still he raises his fist in triumph.”

To read the rest of the blog, go to www.midlifedivorcerecovery.com and go to the Daily Blog button.

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-10-23T06:09:00.000-07:00

“It can be very hard to end a love relationship even when you know it’s very bad for you. It is particularly hard to break an important relationship all by yourself.” How to Break Your Addiction To A Person by Howard M. Halpern, Ph.D.

Most of us going through divorce are trying to separate ourselves from someone who has become very bad for us. As Dr. Halpern suggests, bad for us as in relationships that are “dead ends or attachments to people who are painfully unattainable because they are committed to someone else, or don’t want a committed relationship, or are incapable of one.” Most of our wasbands have found another love in their life (besides themselves!) and just want out. They give us no choice but to move on because they have definitely moved on. Trying to break a serious long-term relationship like our marriages can be very much like overcoming an addiction. Halpern’s book goes on to say that one of the most important tools to be able to make the break with someone who is making your life miserable is to .............

To read the rest of the blog, go to www.midlifedivorcerecovery.com and click on Daily Blog

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-10-21T05:41:00.000-07:00

A survey of 2,020 U.S. adults placed ‘sharing household chores’ as the third most important factor in a successful marriage, behind faithfulness and a happy sexual relationship, says the nonprofit Pew Research Center.” Sue Shellenbarger in her Wall Street Journal column 10/21/09

Last night at our Midlife Divorce Recovery Support Group meeting the group discussed how relationships with extended family and friends had changed since divorce. We talked about the fact that some relationships from your married days had to be let go, that some were worth investing the time and energy to maintain, and that new relationships need to be encouraged and sought out. Divorce changes just about every relationship we have to some extent, and that is just one of the pitfalls we all have to navigate on this journey. And we need to give more thought to what we want in new relationships because of that. So I had the group make a list of “Deal Breakers” in new relationships (things like dishonesty, addictions, controlling behavior, poor hygiene, lack of respect). We then talked about “Must Haves” in any new relationship (things like honesty, generosity, moral character, sense of humor, a job!); and finally, “Nice-to-Haves” (six pack abs, knows how to dance, can cook). But after reading Sue’s column, I’m thinking we should have put “willing to share household chores” as an entry into the “Must Have” list. According to the article, both men and women are more content and their sex life is better if both partners take responsibility for making sure their day-to-day home life works like it should. “The study defined housework as nine chores: cleaning, preparing meals, washing dishes, washing and ironing (does anyone do that any more, really?), driving family members around, shopping, yard work, maintaining cars and paying bills.” So in light of Sue’s research, maybe one of the questions we should ask any serious contender for a long-term relationship is what they think about housework!

To see the whole article, go to www.wsj.com. Then click on today’s paper (October 21, 2009); scroll down to Personal Journal and then click on “Talk Clean to Me; the Sex-Housework Link”.

By the way, the cost of my subscription to the Wall Street Journal is worth it because of Sue’s column, Work & Family. It’s uncanny how often she writes about issues that are currently important in my own life, and she does so with professionalism, insight and often with a refreshing sense of fun.

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-10-20T06:34:00.000-07:00

“We grow forward when the delights of growth and the anxieties of safety are greater than the anxieties of growth and the delights of safety.” Abraham Maslow

Growth and safety are usually at odds with each other. During the earliest stages of a midlife divorce we crave safety. We are worried we can’t survive on our own. We are anxious about being alone and we fret about whether our children will still like us or we’ll ever have another companion to share life with. We just want to feel safe and secure again. But growth rarely happens in a cocoon of safety. All heroes have to step off the well-mowed path to slay dragons, navigate through dark woods and risk life and limb for the worthy cause or the well-deserved treasure. All growth is accompanied by anxiety. All adventure contains uncertainty and being called on to do more than we ever expected of ourselves. Growth is not just unsettling; it makes us step out into downright horrifying, dangerous territory. We conquer one demon and an ogre shows up. Even though we are bloody and bruised, we pull out our sword and fight on. Each morning we re-buckle on our armor, encourage compatriots to join us gaining courage and determination as we go. On the way we become more than we ever thought possible …. not in spite of the journey, but because of it. When you think about it, safety is pretty dull. Growth is adventure and embraces the delights of living to the fullest. Growth means living on the edge. Growth means celebrating the victory over a commonplace, unintentional life. Our divorce yanks us out of our safe existence and into a wildly exciting adventure to claim our own bright future. It’s a magnificent treasure with our name on it. It’s been promised to us, so let’s go get it! No amount of safety can compare with that.

“Turn all your anxiety over to God because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7 (GWT)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-10-19T07:01:00.000-07:00

“I know that what doesn’t help is the terrible feeling of isolation, the fear that everyone else is doing better than you.” Anne Lamott

On the midlife divorce recovery journey, the feeling of isolation is often devastating. And you are often thinking to yourself, “A normal, well-adjusted woman wouldn’t be acting like this!” You not only feel isolated and alone, but as Anne says later in her book, you feel like everyone else is at a party. During the early days of divorce, most of us are just trying to get from one day to the next. Our friends often don’t know what to do with us. The people at church may not know about the divorce or pending divorce or may think they shouldn’t take sides. (And at church, especially suddenly everyone except you seems to be part of a happy, perfectly functioning family!) Kids are becoming more independent and maybe leaving home, and we often feel a sense of quiet desolation. And even if we have others around us, we sometimes feel like an intruder, an outsider. In my opinion, I think God’s perfect plan includes places to belong. That’s often why teenagers get involved with gangs because of that inborn need to be part of a group that cares for each other. God places us in families, tribes, neighborhoods, support groups, churches and other places where we can be embraced and encouraged and where we can laugh and cry together. In divorce, so many of those supports are taken away. I’m sorry to say, you often have to find or build a group of your own. Find a R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Group you can be a part of. Join the RadicalWomenNetwork where women are encouraging each other every single day. Sharing experiences with other women who understand will give you the strength and courage to get back out into the real world. The Women in the 10-Week R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women support groups are planning nights out to go to the movies, pot-luck dinners at each others’ homes, laser-tag parties and on and on. And when you are part of a group like this, you understand that everyone else is in about the same shape you are. It’s a relief to know you aren’t the only one crying in bed at night or occasionally doing really stupid things in trying to make some sense of all of this. So, take the initiative. I think you will discover that feelings and situations and are much the same for everyone on this journey. You are not alone. Everyone else feels as discouraged as you at times. And you sometimes feel those little instances of new hope and power, too. Women who understand those feeling are in a perfect place to encourage each other because you know. You’ve been there. Isolation makes recovery much more difficult. If you can’t find or form a physical group of your own, join the RadicalWomenNetwork and see all of the bonding going on there. Just go to the www.midlifedivorcerecovery.com and click on the R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women button. You’ll discover women all over this country and from more than 60 foreign countries who know exactly how you feel.

Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us
encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching. Hebrews 10:25 (NIV)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-10-16T06:33:00.000-07:00

“It All Ends Up On The Curb” – Sermon Title

Well, the day’s almost here. A day I've been dreading, but a day that I hope will bring new commitment to what's important and an even stronger bond of the individual members of our family. Tomorrow is the day all the grandkids come over to my parent’s house and everyone chooses what particular physical things they want to remember Grandma and Grandpa by. Neither of my parents had much of anything when they started their lives together. My dad was the first of his siblings who was not born in a sod house on the plains of Kansas. My mom grew up in a house with no indoor plumbing, and things were very tough for their family in Louisiana when her father died when she was a teen. But here we are almost seventy years later trying to hold on to things that remind us of our relationship with these two people. We are trying to make sure that their memory isn’t going to fade away. We think that some physical something will keep that from happening. But you know what? If my parent’s house caught fire today and everything was gone in a puff of smoke, we would still have the best things of all: the sound of my Mom saying, “Come into this house!” or “I love your from the top of your head to the bottom of your toes.” Or my Dad ‘s regular admonition when we left to drive home, to “Check you oil.” Or hearing in our head, “Call me any time of the night or day.” Or seeing them on the driveway holding hands and waving as we drove off. Or the way Dad’s shoulders still shake when he gets really tickled about something or when he’s telling a joke and he starts laughing before he gets to the punch line. The best things about my parents are not the things (to borrow a well-know phrase). The best things are the invisible lessons they taught us. Lessons like honor … trustworthiness … generosity … courage … a love that covered us completely and an unshakeable belief in God. And an understanding that His love endures forever. Those are the things that matter. After my divorce I hated the fact that our children would never have the heritage of parents who stayed together. But I have to keep reminding myself that the most important things we are passing along now are the undeniable Truths about life. Truths like: Goodness always wins and that life is NOT about the things. Our most important heritage is passing along our experience of what’s important. What’s lasting. Lessons that will guarantee our eternity is secure and our here and now is abundant and full because of God. Our heritage and legacy will never be about the stuff. It’s about the eternal values we are teaching and passing on to the next generation who will pass it along to the next and so on. That is a legacy we are all leaving every single day of our lives … especially now. Everything else eventually ends up on the curb.

“Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.” Matthew 6:19-21 (The Living Bible)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-10-15T03:55:00.003-07:00

“Let’s do something cheap and superficial; Let’s do something that we might regret; Let’s do something shallow and insensitive, ‘Cause this might be the only chance we get.” Sung by Burt Reynolds in Cannonball Run

Do you all remember the book, How to Be Your Own Best Friend? I do. I don’t remember exactly what it said, but it was advice from a husband/wife psychologist team and the book was about how to have a life that brings happiness. So the book How To Be Your Own Selfish Pig – and other ways you’ve been brainwashed by Susan Schaeffer Macaulay caught my eye on my Dad’s bookshelf. It has chapters like “If it feels good, do it” and “You only go around once in life, so …. “ Each chapter deals with some myth of our culture that brings not happiness and contentment, but emptiness, selfishness, despair and pain. But the culture preaches it day and night 24/7. Our kids are bombarded with textbooks that teach that pretty much any lifestyle is okay. Movies and television shows tell us that anything is worth making a buck. Songs promote “Humpin’ and F#*!in’ and Gettin’ your kicks.” What are we to do with a culture where a man of power flies off to Argentina to meet his “soul mate” while his four boys are left to wonder what happened to their dad. Where presidential candidates father children with a mistress while denying it to the press and more importantly to their wife with cancer who is trying to put their family back together. Where late-night television stars make jokes about all his liaisons with young staffers and much of Hollywood thinks it’s okay to rape a 13-year-old girl if you’re an award winning movie producer. What is wrong with our culture? And now, we’re caught in the middle of the ugliness ourselves with wasbands breaking their promises, lying to not only us, but to our children, and who are more concerned about impressing their new girlfriend than caring for the family that God blessed them with? What can we do about it? All we can do is to speak up boldly for goodness and honor and decency and truth. And we can teach those principles to our kids. They can see what dishonorable actions do to families and to the individual disappointed hearts of the people in them. We can model righteousness without being prissy about it. We can speak the truth without being arrogant and we can love without reserve. The only person I can control is me, and I personally can make the commitment to always try to do the right thing no matter what the circumstance. Our children will notice. Our friends will notice. God will notice. And hopefully, if enough of us live this way and show that it brings real joy, peace, adventure and a truly abundant life, maybe the culture will eventually take note as well.

“But he’s already made it plain how to live, what to do, what GOD is looking for in men and women. It’s quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love. And don’t take yourself too seriously --- take God seriously. “ Micah 6:8 (The Message)

“He has told you, O man, what is good; And what does the LORD require of you But to do justice, to love kindness, And to walk humbly with your God?” Micah 6:8 (NAS)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-10-14T06:51:00.000-07:00

“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work; you don’t give up.”
Anne Lamott in Bird by Bird

Doing the right thing in the middle of the chaos of divorce is not easy. It’s especially hard when we are trying to teach our children to do right when their father has chosen to do lots of wrong things, and we have done wrong things on the journey as well. Our support groups this week have been discussing how to help our children (and all the others close to us as well.) How do we teach the right lessons in the middle of so much wrong? Like Anne Lamott advises, we “just show up and try to do the right thing.” Minute by minute. Time after time. Day after day. And the actions we have to take with children (especially late-adolescent or early-adult children when their behavior is definitely taking them down the wrong path) are difficult. It’s hard to be the one making the tough decisions and meting out the punishments. It’s no fun to set boundaries and then have to exact the penalty when those boundaries are crossed. Our kids don’t like it. They think we’re being unreasonable. They go live with their dad. And that’s part of the problem. It’s even more difficult to set definite and sure boundaries of behavior when dads have obviously crossed those boundaries with no apparent care or concern. It’s hard to teach the right lessons when someone your children admired suddenly is doing so many things wrong … breaking promises; having affairs; drinking too much; lying; being deceitful and life seems to be going fine for him, thank you. And the fact that he is usually in his “Super Dad” costume makes discipline even more difficult. But hang on. Hang on and keep on doing the right thing. The dawn will come. Your kids will be mad for a while; but eventually they will understand how much you love them, and they will admire you for all you have done for them. In years to come, my bet is that they will all be sitting around a holiday table after dinner is finished when all the stories start; and with their children listening, they will ask a sibling, “Do you remember when mom caught us (fill in the blank)?“ For one thing, your sure, right response will give them cover as they are disciplining their own children who will learn the lessons, too. As one preacher in Anne’s book comments, “Hope is a revolutionary patience.” So, “Wait and watch and work; don’t give up.” Or give in. No matter how much easier it would be to do so.

“It is the same joy as that of a woman in labor when her child is born – her anguish gives place to rapturous joy and the pain is forgotten. You have sorrow now, but I will see you again and then you will rejoice; and no one can rob you of that joy.” John 16:21, 22 (The Living Bible)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-10-13T07:51:00.001-07:00

“Through all relationships we keep hoping we’ll be fully met by someone fabulous.”
SARK – Succulent Wild Women

I usually start my days by reading messages sent to me by RADICAL Women. And then I read the comments that are going on in the RadicalWomenNetwork forum. And last night I facilitated a RADICAL Women Support Group. Through all of that, I see hurting, wondering, but strong women who are determined to rise above all the ugliness, and who are learning to rebuild a better-than-ever life! Through the pain and the hurt, I can still see determination and confidence and even joy and a new faith in the good to come. This morning I had SARK’s book on my desk, and I came across the quote above. And you know what my immediate thought was? We have all been fully met by someone fabulous already! That’s it! We have already been met by the Holy God of the Universe and he fully understands us and fully loves us and fully accepts us and cherishes us and without doubt is working out his perfect plan for our lives. I know for those who don’t believe in God, this doesn’t make sense. But for any of us who have truly experienced God, he jumped out at me from SARK’s statement this morning!!! We have been, we are, and we will be fully met by someone fabulous! GOD himself! I know you’re thinking, “But I want someone fabulous with skin on! Someone who can hold me and walk with me and laugh with me and surprise me with gifts that say how much he loves me.” I think our earthly relationships will not be what they should be until we realize that God is really the “someone fabulous” that we all desire and yearn for. Understanding that he is that reality makes all of life have new meaning. Our relationship with him allows us to put all of our human relationships in proper perspective. We cannot put our trust in other people to always do the right thing, or to never disappoint us, or to be the person we need in every circumstance. No one can truly be that to another person. Only God can be that presence with whom we are, and forever will be, fully met. That realization takes the pressure off all of our other relationships. That gives us the ability to recognize all of our other relationships as secondary to our relationship with God. That gives us the power to be bold and joyful and to stand up for what’s right and to not be defeated by anyone or anything. In fact we gain a sense of invincibility and indestructibility. Every circumstance in our life suddenly becomes part of being fully met by God himself, and nothing is more fabulous than that.

Casting the whole of your care (that means all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all) on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully. 1 Peter 5:7 (AMP)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-10-12T06:41:00.000-07:00

“Positive thinking seems to be mandatory in the breast cancer world, to the point that unhappiness requires a kind of apology.” Barbara Ehrenreich in her book, Bright-Sided: How the relentless promotion of positive thinking has undermined America

As a spiritual person, don’t you sometimes feel you have to apologize for your own midlife divorce sadness? When the reality that I was going to be divorced set in, I was truly devastated. I thought my good life was over. I couldn’t stop crying. And somewhere deep down I felt guilty about that. I thought, “I’m a Christian. I shouldn’t be feeling like this. I’ve got God in my life, I should be able to say, ‘Your will be done,’ and just move on.” But that’s not how real life works. In her book, Ms. Ehrenreich says when she discovered she had breast cancer she was immediately thrust into the ultra feminine world of cuddly teddy bears, pink, and everyone telling her to put on a happy face. It’s like my friend up the street who also had cancer. She said it used to really make her mad when people, especially Christians, would say things like, “God will use this to make you more appreciative or a better person.” My wonderful neighbor is pretty much an atheist. She was flat out mad about getting cancer and about people telling her she should somehow be thankful for it. I agree, you can’t make cancer a good thing no matter how you spin it. A writer for the Kansas City Star would agree when he and his young children lost his beautiful wife and their mother to cancer. I can relate a little to how they feel. There is nothing good about cancer. There is nothing good about divorce. But what are we to do? If you’re an atheist like my neighbor or just mad like the author of the book above, or a God-follower; you still have to come to some sort of acceptance. You don’t have to like it, but it is a reality. So how do we live day-to-day in the face of that reality? I agree that positive thinking, per se, doesn’t change the diagnosis (even though it may make me a bit easier to live with.) But here’s what I believe: I believe there is a God in heaven who cares about me and did not cause my divorce, but has promised to use the suffering that I experience because of it for his glory and my good. I can grieve what I lost. But I can also celebrate what I’ve gained: a new appreciation for the wild nature of life on this earth. In my heart, I know more than ever that this earth is not the final destination. I can say without a doubt that I am a more appreciative, more sensitive, more free, more loving, and more generous than I would have been without my divorce experience. And more than ever I believe that God continually keeps his promise to “work all things together for good to those who love him and are trying to live his way.” For me that’s not postive thinking, that’s a positive reality, and it makes all the difference in the world.

“And we know that all that happens to us is working for our good if we love God and are fitting into his plans.” Romans 8:28 (The Living Bible)

“That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our loves of love for God is worked into something good.” Romans 8:28 (The Message)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-10-09T06:42:00.000-07:00

“By acknowledging other people, if only to fight with them, you open yourself to their influence.” Green and Efflers in The 48 Laws of Power

That dance of anger that we get caught up in when we are going through a midlife divorce would never win any prizes on Dancing with the Stars. One of the things that I learned on my divorce recovery trip was that anger kept me connected to and under the influence of the very people who were hurting me (my wasband and his mistress). The better choice would have been to ignore them. Completely. But somehow I couldn’t. I thought about them more than I should have. I wondered what they were doing; where they were going; what he was saying to her; what they were doing in bed. How he was kissing her. Those things did nothing but make me more miserable than I have ever been or ever hope to be. A better strategy would have been to ignore them completely and start figuring out my own life. What do I want my own life to be? Do I want it governed by having to worry that my partner may be sleeping with another woman? Do I want to live with a person who would throw away an amazingly good family for his own shallow erroneous fantasies of the good life? Instead of thinking about him and them, I should have been thinking about God’s plan for me. Wasting time thinking about them does absolutely nothing good. So don’t do it. Greene and Efflers advise: “ By ignoring people, you cancel them out. This unsettles and infuriates them. This is the ultimate power pose: You are the king (or in our case, the queen), and you ignore what offends you.” When thoughts of either of them poke into your consciousness, go somewhere else mentally immediately. Go to a place that you can control … your own thoughts. You can choose to immediately think about something good and beautiful. You have the choice to make the rest of your life as wonderful or as miserable as you want. Choose who and what you want to acknowledge and who and what you want to ignore. Don’t waste your precious life energy on people or things that are not good for you and will not help you live the life God has in mind for you.

“When you knock on a door, be courteous in your greeting. If they welcome you be gentle in your conversation. If they don’t welcome you, quietly withdraw. Don’t make a scene. Shrug your shoulders and be on your way. You can be sure that on Judgment day they will be mighty sorry – but it’s no concern of yours now. Matthew 10:12-15 (The Message)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-10-08T06:13:00.001-07:00

“Related to mastering your emotions is the ability to distance yourself from the present moment and think objectively about the past and the future.” Green and Elffers in The 48 Laws of Power

During a midlife divorce, we all tend to experience a feeling of powerlessness. Circumstances are careening out of control beyond our power to direct or determine their outcome. Our emotions are intense and erratic and the resulting loss of power increases the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. That’s why the book The 48 Laws of Power has been an interesting and enlightening read for me. Some of the precepts I do not agree with, but some are absolutely right on. For example the statement above holds much wisdom. The authors continue, “ Half of the game is learning how to forget those events in the past that eat away at you and cloud your reason.” Use the past, they say, to learn valuable lessons. “Begin by examining the mistakes you have made in the past, the ones that have most grievously held you back. You analyze them in terms of ‘I shall never repeat such a mistake; I shall never fall into such a trap again.’ If you can evaluate and observe yourself in this way, you can learn to break the patterns of the past – an immensely valuable skill.” Learning to step outside the immediate circumstance and observe it as an outsider gives us great perspective. Someone not involved in the situation looking at our actions from the vantage point of hovering around the ceiling would most likely want to say, “Get a grip on yourself. Stop ranting and raving and sobbing and screaming. Let him talk and show his insensitivity and his narcissism and his selfishness. He can do that very well on his own without your help. Your rage and your sadness will not change him, so save your breath and your integrity.” In fact as the authors say, “those emotions will invariably make situations less controllable and heighten your enemy’s resolve. Observe your opponents moves with as much calmness as you can muster.” All of that is easier said than done in the middle of your divorce journey. I know. I’ve done more than my share of all of that crazy, useless, even destructive behavior. But today, let’s practice observing situations from a new perspective. A perspective of calm, confident distance. It’s not the circumstances that matters, it’s how we respond to them and what we learn from them and how we can use what we learn to create the life we want in the future.

“Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.” Ecclesiastes 7:9 or as The Message puts it, “Don’t be quick to fly off the handle. Anger boomerangs.”

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-10-07T06:25:00.000-07:00

“Once you train yourself not to take matters personally and control your emotional responses, you will have placed yourself in a position of tremendous power.” The 48 Laws of Power by Green and Elffers

Midlife Divorce makes us angry. And it should. Anger means that our boundaries have been violated. Especially if our wasbands had affairs, were deceitful and untruthful, and seemed completely unconcerned about the devastation created by their actions, we have a right to be angry. In my divorce recovery work over the years, dealing with anger is often one of the most pressing challenges to moving forward. The 48 Laws of Power talks a lot about learning to control our emotions, especially anger. Here is another comment from their book, “In the face of a hot-headed enemy, finally, an excellent response is no response. Follow the Talleyrand tactic: Nothing is as infuriating as a man who keeps his cool while others are losing theirs. If it will work to your advantage, affect the aristocratic, bored pose, neither mocking nor triumphant, but simply indifferent. When they embarrass themselves with a tantrum (or by being unreasonable), you will have gained several victories, one of these being that in the face of their childishness, you have maintained your dignity and composure.” Maintaining dignity and composure was not easy for me. I often acted anything but dignified. And all of my emotional outbursts in the end did no good. So I’m going to try to remember this Law of Power in all of my encounters as I move forward. It’s inevitable, we will all still be angry about things, as well we should. The key is to remain objective, control our anger and let the other person make himself look foolish.

“But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.” Colossians 3:8

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-10-06T07:42:00.000-07:00

“Understand this: Words are a dime a dozen. Action and demonstration are much more powerful and meaningful.” Green and Elffers in The 48 Laws of Power

During my divorce and recovery, my brother suggested I read the book quoted above. Parts of it are a little on the edge, but much of it has wisdom that can be effectively applied in our situation. The illustrations are taken from historical situations and often contain much truth. In the middle of our midlife divorce recovery, most of us spend too much time arguing or trying to convince our wasbands to change their ways. “Making your opponent literally and physically feel your meaning is infinitely more powerful than argument.” I know that I personally thought that if I just said the right words, my wasband would recognize his errant ways and come back home. Obviously, none of my words did anything except make me look weak and foolish especially if I lost my temper or started crying in the process of trying to make my point. What usually gets “our adversary’s” attention is simply acting in a way that makes a difference. “If it does not matter in the long run whether the other person agrees with you – or if time and their own experience will make them understand what you mean – then it is best not even to bother with a demonstration. Save your energy and walk away.” And here is one final Image of the point being made in the Ninth Law of Power: “Win Through Your Actions, Never Through Argument.”

“Image: The Seesaw. Up and down and up and down go the
arguers, getting nowhere fast. Get off the seesaw and show
them your meaning without kicking or pushing. Leave them
at the top and let gravity bring them to the ground.”

Stop arguing today. Get off the seesaw. Your best arguments will most likely not change a thing. Give your energy to making the changes you need to make in your own life to have the future you want.

"The more talk, the less truth; the wise measure their words." Proverbs 10:19 (The Message)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-10-05T06:35:00.001-07:00

“Dignity, in fact, is invariably the mask to assume under difficult circumstances: It is as if nothing can affect you, and you have all the time in the world to respond. This is an extremely powerful pose.” The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene and Joost Elffers

During my midlife divorce, there were times I did not act with dignity. In looking back, I let my emotions completely take over and I acted more like an adolescent than a self-confident, competent, good woman. I was so devastated by the fact that my wasband didn’t want me that I became someone who lost site of who I really am. I was angry and sad and devastated and bitter and all of those useful, but after too long, ugly emotions. A better strategy would have been, as Robert Green and Joose Elffers recommend, to have maintained my composure, my dignity, my confidence no matter what ridiculous things my wasband was doing. I think when we start ranting and raving and begging that they come home or constantly keep trying to get answers from them or try to find out what they are doing, that we become weak and pathetic ourselves. They are the ones who are acting in wrong and deceitful ways, yet we are the ones who are usually groveling around begging them to come back to us. They should be begging for us to even talk to them. There are women on the Radical Women Network site who have been discussing this in the forum. Their thoughts are powerful and inspiring and honest. Don’t degrade yourself because he has made the choice to live an ugly, pitiful life. Have confidence in yourself and in God. As long as your wasband has you in his grips of sadness and anger and groveling, he is in complete control. He doesn’t deserve you. He chose to have his sorry, embarrassing life. You are worth infinitely more than all the rubies and gold and diamonds in all the world. Don’t waste your time on someone who has willfully, continually made destructive choices and hurt so many, many people by his selfish and self-centered actions, and yet somehow still tries to make it your fault. Don’t go there. When dealing with him, take your time. Be dignified. Make choices that are good for you. He has made his final choice. Now you calmly, confidently and with dignity make yours.

"Last of all I want to remind you that your strength must come from the Lord's mighty power within you." Ephesians 6:10 (The Living Bible)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-10-02T02:34:00.003-07:00

“Growing as wild women involves breaking out of cages, boxes, stereotypes, categories, and captivity. It involves standing tall, laughing loudly, and being who we really are.”
SARK – Author of Succulent Wild Woman

Growing is uncomfortable and scary and feels perilous. Especially when someone we love tells us by his actions that we aren’t “good enough” anymore, growing is fraught with fear. But all growth and positive change involves stepping out into the wild unknown. The more we practice being bold and brave, the better we get at courageous, beautiful change. Even though I didn’t feel like I was in a cage or a box in my marriage, I know that I had certain boundaries that defined who I was. I was Mrs. Someone. Now, after divorce, we have to redefine who we are and what we want in life. And it’s not until we get solidly in our mind that we want to be all God created us to be, that we can actually become that woman. I loved my role as wife. I wanted to help my wasband. So when he said he didn’t want my help, I was devastated. But I want all of us to learn that as noble and wonderful as helping someone accomplish their dreams was, now it’s time for us to find and flesh out our own dreams. We were created for something spectacular and some of that has already been accomplished. But now, we can move on to fireworks of our own. Fulfillment of our own. A fabulous future of our own … and we can take whomever we choose with us. Those we love and touch will be pulled along by our excitement and enthusiasm. We will encourage each person we meet to find their own succulence because of our rich, full, life. As SARK says, “We must insist on succulence. Our life is too rich and rare to settle on less.” Start practicing succulence today!

There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contraryâ€”we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit! Romans 5:3-6 (The Message)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-09-30T06:11:00.000-07:00

“The reason to move is to reteach our bodies their loveliness.” Geneen Roth in When You Eat at the Refrigerator, Pull Up a Chair.

When I speak or counsel or write about midlife divorce recovery, I almost always mention the importance of exercise. Research from all over the place re-confirms the fact that exercise is good for us. In both normal situations (like everyday life) and really stressful situations (like midlife divorce), exercise has a way of not only helping us physically, but it evens out our emotions as well. Plus there are all those endorphins that start running around making us feel better and be more energetic and vigorous and optimistic and sleep better and all that. Without question, exercise is therapeutic. But as Geneen suggests we must stop battering ourselves and feeling guilty and telling ourselves “we’re not enough like we are” and that we need to be thinner or harder or stronger to be okay. Here’s how Geneen ends her chapter on exercise: “The new ads for The Body Shop say, ‘There are three billion women who don’t look like super-models and only eight who do.’ In the end moving your body is not about flat stomachs or thin thighs; it’s about being one of the three billion women on the planet who are lucky enough to have arms and legs that can surge with energy, to be warmed by the sun and slice through the wind and water. Moving is about the fundamental joy and gratitude of being alive. The rest is gravy.” I agree wholeheartedly. Celebrate the glory of being alive! Put your head back. Reach your arms up. Laugh or shout ‘Thank You!’ Get up and move and truly embrace your body’s loveliness!!

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:14 (NIV)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-09-29T06:27:00.000-07:00

“Psychologists tell us that when a woman becomes financially independent, she gains self-assurance and peace of mind, and her relationships become healthier and more mature.” Barbara Stanny in Prince Charming Isn’t Coming

They are myths that die hard: That Prince Charming is going to come to my rescue; That someone else will take care of me financially; That I can leave the money stuff to someone else. I was one of those women, married in the late sixties, who took care of the kids and the home stuff while my wasband made the money and made the decisions about the money. I did freelance work on the side our whole marriage, but my physician husband could make more in a day than I could make in a whole month. I left most of the financial decisions to him. My father had paid the bills in our family. I gladly let my wasband pay the bills in our family. We usually talked things over generally, but he made most of the final decisions. We were comfortable. He was a math major. Most of my brain cells are on the creative side of my brain. But giving someone else control of all the financial stuff in any relationship is dumb. It also meant that after my divorce, I had a mountain of stuff to learn about money. But to my surprise, I liked learning it. I liked knowing exactly how much money I had; how much I could spend, and I could even make the decision not to buy something and feel good about it. It gave me confidence (with the accompanying fear and trembling) to buy a house on my own. With the help of a very kind, compassionate banker, I set up all of my own accounts and every new bit of control gave me a feeling of competence. As Barbara states in her book it all starts with us making the commitment to take control of our own financial future. We must say to ourselves, “I can do this. I will do this. I want to do this.” And then we start doing it. Feeling in control and trustworthy financially is a feeling that all the money in the world can’t buy. Regardless of how little you have, you still have the ability to decide what to do with it from here on out.

“Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches? And if you have not been trustworthy with someone else’s property, who will give you property of your own?” Luke 16-10-12

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-09-28T05:58:00.000-07:00

“She said that faith is not about how we feel; it is about how we live.” Anne Lamott in Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith (Speaking of Sister Veronica)

If you’re a normal woman going through the despair of divorce, things have been bleak for you. Any of us who have been through it, or are still going through it, have done our share of slogging and struggling. During a midlife divorce, we feel crappy to put it mildly. We feel sick. We feel like we want to strangle someone or maybe some two people. We feel like God is not paying attention. We’re trying to “live by faith,” but it just doesn’t seem to be working very well. But “living by faith” doesn’t mean we always feel wonderful or cheery or the world is continually full of butterflies and daffodils. Living by faith means exactly that … living by faith even though we don’t feel like it. Even though we seem to be stuck in the darkness, we still choose to live by the principles of the light. Even though we are struggling through the desert, we still share the water we have. Even though we are crying a million tears, we choose to do the right thing when we’d rather hit back or talk ugly or give someone what they deserve. Living by faith is easy when everything is going according to our plan. But it’s at midnight all alone in your bed, or when you are faced with unjust accusations after trying to do the right things, that the life of faith is most demanding … and God does his most amazing work in us.

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.” Psalm 46:1-3 (NIV)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-09-25T03:22:00.000-07:00

“We would ask you to connect deeply with your conscience for a moment and ask yourself this final question: Is there something I feel I could do to make a difference?” Stephen R. Covey in First Things First

Last night I watched a National Geographic Special Presentation on Arlington National Cemetery. It was very impressive and very moving. I was both humbled and motivated after watching it. As you know, Arlington is a place of honor for men and women throughout our nation’s history who were willing to give their very lives for freedom. They were willing to make a difference in the world with their energy and self-discipline and day-to-day commitment to values they believed in. Their sacrifice has made an immeasurable difference not only to our country and the world, but to me as an individual enjoying the benefits of what they all died for. The military men and women who dedicate themselves to preserving the honor and the traditions of the cemetery to bring comfort and peace to friends and families of the dead should also be commended. I thought to myself as I watched the program, “What am I doing to make a difference? Who will reap the benefits of my daily actions? What am I sacrificing for the good of others? Who will be better for my having been on this earth? My children? My grandchildren? My friends? My community? Strangers?” The incredible loyalty and discipline of the soldiers who are chosen to guard the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier caused them to spend countless hours to perfect their part of honoring the dead. I surely can figure out how to discipline myself enough to make a positive difference in some small way today. I’m going to think about that as I go about my free and incredibly blessed life. I’m going to honor those who made the ultimate sacrifice for me. I’m going to go out of my way to consciously do something to make a positive difference to someone I come in contact with today. It’s the very least I can do.

“Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:13 (NIV)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-09-24T06:44:00.001-07:00

“Just because something you want doesn’t appear in your life right away, doesn’t mean that it’s not on the delivery truck heading toward you … just a wee bit stuck in traffic … but soon to arrive yet.” Enough Damnit: A cynics guide to finally getting what you want out of life by Karen Salmonsohn

“Yet is a very powerful little big word,” Karen reminds us. Remember, “There is just one letter difference between Y-E-T and Y-E-S.” Most of us aren’t doing very well with patience these days. Pain is no fun. We just want to feel better, to stop crying, to find peace, to laugh again. We want relief and we want it now. But remember, growth isn’t always fast. When we plant the ugly bulbs in the hard, fall ground, it’s longer than we want before we get the strong red tulips of spring. The growing goes on where we can’t see it for those long, cold months, and then one day this amazing cup of bright color is bringing us joy every time we walk up the sidewalk. So remember, the package is on its way. Keep on keeping on every single day. Continue to make the good, right choices in every circumstance, and you will reap the rewards. God’s promises will be fulfilled. You will have that life you deserve full of God’s best blessings. In the meantime, get out and help clear the traffic for others while you’re waiting.

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.” Galatians 6:10 (The Living Bible)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-09-23T06:59:00.000-07:00

“You are NOT your past actions. You are NOT your past failures. You are NOT how others have at one time treated you. You are ONLY who you think you are right now in this moment. You are ONLY what you do right now in this moment.” Karen Salmansohn in Enough, Damnit: A cynic’s guide to finally getting what you want out of life.

On the midlife divorce recovery road, we often don’t know how to get away from the past. In support groups, early on, I hear a lot about emotions caused by what happened in the past. And that’s completely normal. There’s a lot of, not just anger and worry and fear, but rage, panic and despair. Those emotions are giving us important information. Let’s take anger/rage. Who and what are we really enraged about? Usually there is anger at ourselves for allowing ourselves to “waste” the best years of our lives on someone who in reality was “not that into us.” We are enraged at our wasbands for the destruction we see around us everywhere. There is anger at everything big and small that we have to deal with in response to our divorce. But at some point, we have to give it up. After figuring out why we’re angry and getting the message we need from our anger, and creating strategies to use it productively, at some point we have to give this particular anger up. I used to think I would always be angry about my own divorce on some level. But you do eventually figure out that continual anger about the same issue in our past destroys our present and makes a glorious future virtually impossible. The moment we should concentrate on is this current shining moment. We have control over how this moment will be. We have absolutely no control over something that happened in our past. Do you want to waste one more moment on the past? You have a fantastic new life to create! You can choose to use this moment wisely… or not. One thing is sure; this shining moment will never come around again. Today is up to you.

"No, dear brothers and sisters, I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead." Philippians 3:13 (The Living Bible)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-09-22T06:38:00.000-07:00

If someone asked you how you’re feeling right now, what would you say? During a mid-life divorce, here are some of the words that probably come to mind: confused, discouraged, disappointed, worried, afraid, angry, enraged, bitter, depressed, embarrassed, inadequate, devastated, ugly, fat, dumb, sad, overwhelmed ….. you get the picture. Whether these feelings are warranted or not, a woman going through a midlife divorce usually feels some variation of all of these, and more of what we think of as negative emotions and feelings. How about today, we change our thinking? How about replacing all of those negative descriptors with some of the following positive descriptions of how we should feel: bright, awesome, calm, forgiven, happy, carefree, intelligent, motivated, energized, refreshed, optimistic, fun, focused, powerful, fit, strong, exuberant, loving, kind, patient, compassionate, caring, cherished, good, enthusiastic, Spirit-filled, productive, extraordinary, unique, delicious, capable, smart, able, light-hearted, funny, personable, adventurous, bold, expressive, delightful, sensitive, succulent, content, original, confident, helpful, curious, tender, worthy, acceptable, admired, encouraging, self-assured, sexy, sensual, positive, valuable, creative, radiant, charming, inspiring, Alive!, rare, fascinating, brave, courageous, blessed, R.A.D.I.C.A.L.! Remove all of those negative feelings today and replace them with positive descriptions of who you are. Realize and embrace the fact that you are all of those good things. That’s who the real you is! Whenever any down or depressing description of your current life comes into your head, replace it with something from the REAL YOU list. Just try that today. Then, read the list again tomorrow, and tomorrow and again the next day. Get into your head and your psyche that you are already all those good things. All you have to do is show them to the world again. Lift your head up. Put your shoulders back. Smile and show everyone you meet today who you really are!

“Summing it all up friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious -- the best, not the worst, the beautiful, not the ugly, things to praise, not things to curse. “ Philippians 4:8 (The Message)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-09-21T08:33:00.000-07:00

“… An individual needs suffering and misfortune: they compel the deepening of the inner life and generate a spiritual upsurge.” Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn – The Gulag Archipelago

The Gulag Archipelago has become required reading in Russia these days. I’m both surprised and pleased. I think it will cause a new spiritual revival in Russia. This book, which I read while I was in the middle of trying to make sense of my midlife divorce, had a powerful affect on me. It is the account of one man’s victory over unbelievably horrible circumstances and his journey to a spiritual freedom and power that can only be achieved by suffering. None of us likes suffering. It’s challenging. It’s agonizing. It seems undeserved. But it is absolutely amazing how our suffering leads us to, as Solzhenitsyn puts it, “a deepening of the inner life and an amazing spiritual upsurge.” On this path of life, we all want the easy road, the pleasant walk, the journey of enough of everything. Most of us have been blessed with abundantly more than enough of everything. But the truth of the matter is, that fact often makes spiritual growth less likely. We are just too comfortable. We don’t have to really work our spiritual muscles because life is too easy. Well, a midlife divorce suddenly changes that. Life becomes more difficult than anything we have ever faced. But, for the first time in my life, I understand the apostle Paul’s advice to rejoice in your suffering. The world doesn’t understand that. But anyone who is eager for a deeper spiritual walk will learn that spiritual growth comes from suffering. I know I rebelled against the suffering and agony of midlife divorce. I railed against it and yelled and cried and complained about it. I hated it. But now, almost ten years past it, I understand that my divorce has been the seed of my greatest spiritual growth. It has been the catalyst for an incredibly deeper relationship with God and with others. Even though I wish I could have learned those lessons some other way, this was the way I was presented. We usually don’t get to choose our suffering. But the exhilarating part is that we do get to choose what we will do with it. Use your suffering to experience the amazingly beautiful and empowering work God wants to display in your life.

“As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Neither this man nor his parents sinned.” Said Jesus, “but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.” John 9:1-3

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-09-17T07:30:00.003-07:00

I am usually serious on these blogs because I know how heartbreaking a midlife divorce is. It’s an awful, debilitating grief. But there are moments of hilarity and laughter when a group of women get together for social time after a R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women support group meeting where we focus entirely on getting better and not on bashing anybody. At the end of our 10-week class, the Wild Women of Wednesday Night Support Group went out to get dessert after our last meeting. And even though everyone in the group is moving forward dramatically, there were some really funny stories shared about situations that had come up during the journey. One woman who must have been a stand-up comic in another life was telling about her exchange with a local cable company about her wasband’s affinity for NASCAR racing! (She wanted the cable boxes disconnected!), and another woman’s battle with killer wasps who as I just learned this morning send out signals to attack if one of their group is threatened. This Wild Woman was stung multiple times, and we laughed about the guy who came out to get rid of the varmints! But I’m telling you all that as a lead up to something funny I read in The PARANOID’s Pocket Guide recently. This is just for your entertainment, if your wasband is carrying on with someone really younger and needs to get a Penile Implant to keep impressing his sweet young thing. The mental picture I got after reading the following entry made me laugh out loud! And I know the Wild Women would have loved it last night, too! The side bar on the page says, “The ups and downs of implants” Here’s the entry: “Among the risks of penile implants are infection, which can lead to gangrene and amputation, and migration of the implant device to another part of the body.” It’s kind of fun to think of the “implant device” migrating, say, to his foot or his arm or even better, maybe his forehead! (not to mention the thought of outright amputation!) Tee! Hee!

P.S. I couldn’t find a single Bible verse that was appropriate for this particular blog! If you know one, send it to me at suzysuccess@kc.rr.com.

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-09-16T07:48:00.001-07:00

“You literally become in real life the kind of person your mind tells you that you are.”
Daniel C. Steere, Author of I Am I Can: How to unlock all the potential in your life through the miracle of POWER-FAITH LIVING

A great majority of women who attend the R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women support groups list “a desire to develop greater self-esteem” as one of the reasons for attending the group. A midlife divorce is a blow to a woman’s self esteem. When your life partner decides that you are not quite enough fun or pretty enough or smart enough to live with, that is devastating to a woman. But women are too eager to blame themselves first. Think about it. If your wasband has made the choice to have an affair or leave you for someone else, it truly is NOT about you. It’s most often about his own lack of self-esteem. He is trying to prop up his lack of personal confidence by finding a sweet young thing that is all too eager to give him the strokes he needs because he doesn’t value the man he knows he should be. And if a woman is willing to sacrifice her integrity to have an affair with a married man, she, too, is not a woman of character or high self-esteem. She is most likely looking for someone who can buy her stuff or take her places or give her strokes that she has not earned, but stolen. But still … good, dedicated, fun, beautiful, faithful wives are often the ones who think they somehow caused this and if they had been different it wouldn’t have happened. The truth is, if your wasband is the kind of person who has affairs (and there are usually more than one), it is he who has the problem, not you. All of us need to continually try to be the best, most loving, most adventurous, fun, pleasant women we can be; but if our wasband does not have the courage to come to us and say he is not happy, or come to us and say, let’s fix our marriage and instead sneaks around in the dark, telling lies, being deceitful, and breaking all the promises he made to you and to God, he is the one who should feel the pain of low self-esteem, not you. So today, continue to be the best and most loving woman you can be. Hold your head up. Stand up straight. Understand that you are a beautiful unique woman of God, and that tells you more than anything else who you really are.

"For the Lord will be your confidence ..." Proverbs 3:26a

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-09-14T05:00:00.001-07:00

“Happily remarried, in a new city with a new job, Carolyn Bourassa felt the time was finally right to get rid of her 10-year-old divorce papers. Somehow, though the recycling bin didn’t seem appropriate. She wanted the papers burned – flamboyantly, in-your-face- torched – in a symbolic act of closure and renewal.”

I think that would be good for all of us at some point. A decision to finally let the angst of our divorce go. Once-and-for-all. No turning back to mull over and anguish over the old hurts and despair. That’s why the article by Stephanie Simon in the Wall Street Journal (9/12/09) caught my eye. “Every summer for 85 years, Santa Fe artisans have built a giant effigy of wood and chicken wire, then stuffed it with woes. They named the thing Zozobra, but many here just call him Old Man Gloom. And when he is stuffed full, thousands of people gather to watch him set afire in a spectacular ritual of public catharsis.” “Jilted brides bring unused wedding dresses. Cancer patients bring hospital gowns. Foreclosure papers and credit cards, police reports, photographs of old lovers and uniforms from jobs gone bust” are all appropriate woes to feed Zozobra. For participants it’s a freeing, feel-good experience. The timing has to be right, but sooner is usually better than later. So the last call for “offerings” was made last week, the fire lit, and all the woes went up in smoke … including Ms. Bourassa’s divorce papers. “Those are signed originals in there.” She said. For an instant, she looked hesitant. Then she beamed, “I don’t need them. I don’t want them,” she said. “I have a new life.”

I’m sure it is empowering to be standing “shoulder-to-shoulder with about 20,000 other people getting rid of their respective Gloom in one spectacular blaze and then celebrating moving on. Maybe the R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women could meet in some field somewhere every year and have a Zozobra of our own. Let’s think of an appropriate name for that. E-mail me with suggestions: suzysuccess@kc.rr.com.

P.S. Check with your attorney. I have no idea how long we need to keep those papers, legally, but I love the idea of seeing all of that go up in smoke and moving joyfully on to our new life.

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-09-11T04:31:00.001-07:00

Well, I'm, off to work on my first Habitat for Humanity! I'm excited about it. I've wanted to do this for a long time and our church is providing workers every Friday in September. It's a great way to shine God's light and a great way to have some fellowship with others who have a heart to help. Maybe we'll even meet some fun, energetic, new friends. I'll write when I get back. Instead of feeling depressed about your divorce, find a good group who is doing something for the good of others and join in. It's great therapy!

Well, I'm back and it was a fantastic, tiring, satisfying day! We met a wonderful lady this morning who's son had recently died of cancer and the man she was help caring for had died as well. We painted the outside of her whole house in three hours. There were 12 of us, and we worked steadily and had it done before noon. We had a break for lunch, and we had lunch at my son's apartment which wasn't far away and then on to another house to help with framing and mainly just clean-up work before some of the other workers could get in. We loaded lumber and supplies in a truck. We unloaded old lumber scraps to a pile in the back. We swept out and cleaned up where another crew had been working. Some did calking around the windows etc. Piper and her family is going to move into that house and she wanted everyone to sign somewhere on the walls their name and a message. She was so thankful for the help. Helping someone else is really good for our hearts. It's good for our bodies, too. But I am so looking forward to a nice, hot bath. A beautiful, young elementary school teacher and librarian said, "I needed to get away from all the standards and tests and requirements of a school day and just do something totally different, totally physical, that really helps someone else. I reminded her that she did that every single day at school, too. She said, "I know that." But both of us will go back to our normal work refreshed and rejuvenated ... even if we are a little sore.

The whole time I worked today, I got to know the people working side by side with me, and not once did I feel disappointed or discouraged or defeated by anything. It was a great, exhausting, day. Try a Habitat for the Heart yourself. It will do you good!

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-09-10T06:14:00.000-07:00

“Two-thirds of people with HERPES show no symptoms.” From The Paranoid’s Pocket Bible: Hundreds of Things You Never Knew You Had to Worry About by Cameron Tuttle

I feel like a dorm mother at the college for Advanced Midlife Divorce Recovery Studies. I worry about you. I want to tell you like I used to tell my daughter in one way or another before a date: “Remember who you are, Who’s you are and what you stand for.” Some on this site are not ready for dating at all, but I know some are at least exploring the possibility and testing the waters. That’s why the quote above makes me nervous. In a RADICAL Women Support Group last night all of the women said they struggled with loneliness in some form or another. One woman in my very first support group said, “I would just like to put a sack over a man’s head and a sack over mine and just have a good screw. I don’t want any commitment. I don’t want a long-term relationship. I just want to be in someone’s arms for a few hours.” We all can relate to that. Divorce and the recovery period afterwards are lonely. They are difficult, and the absence of physical touch is a devastating loss. That’s one reason so many women get into new relationships before they are ready. They are hungry for the physical part of it. Not just the sex, but just physical closeness. Be careful. Guard your heart. If you are beginning to explore online dating, e-mail me and I will send you a free document about precautions to take in that area. It is also applicable for any return to dating. My e-mail is suzysuccess@kc.rr.com. Put as the subject Online Dating. I am also going to send the document to those of you who have signed up for Free Divorce Recovery Updates from my www.midlifedivorcerecovery.com site. A dorm mother can never be too careful!

“Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.” 1 Corinthians 6:18-20

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-09-09T06:25:00.000-07:00

After a midlife divorce, women often become super critical about how we look. We join a health club, or even get plastic surgery because sometimes we think if we just looked younger our wasband wouldn’t have been attracted to that 32 year-old. (Fact: If he is that kind of man, it doesn’t matter how gorgeous you are. Remember, it’s about his lack of integrity, not how you look.) I was one of those women who joined a health club while in the process of divorce … but I did so as much to even out my emotions, that a good, hard workout brings, as much as to have “buns of steel.” But I did love the new sleeker body I got in the process, not to mention keeping ahead of cellulite. But how many of us have seen 50/60/70 year-olds who try to be victorious in that that unwinnable war against natural, graceful aging? After cosmetic surgery, some look like caricatures of real women. It’s embarrassing. As I was going through my Dad’s bookshelves recently, I found a book entitled The Paranoid’s Pocket Guide. Hundreds of Things You Never Knew You Had to Worry About. The Following is an excerpt from that book: Think about these things if you are tempted to check in with a cosmetic surgeon:

CHEMICAL PEELS AND NASAL SAWS

(Excerpted from the program of a recent World Congress on Cosmetic Surgical Rejuvenation of the face, body and extremities, held in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida.)

10:30 a.m. – “Use of Cheek/Neck Flap in Facial Plastic Surgery

11:45 a.m. – “Removal of Eyeliner Pigmentation with an Argon Laser”

1:30 p.m. – “An Alternative Method for the Nasal Osteotomy Utilizing the Dual Plane Reciprocating Nasal Saw Blade”

2:15 p.m. – Workshop – “How to Prevent a Lawsuit”

6:00 p.m. – Cocktail Party, Grand Ballroom

Let’s revel and rejoice in the full, fun, fine-wine women we are, and let our wasbands worry about people thinking he is his girlfriend’s dad.

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14 (NIV)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-09-08T06:22:00.000-07:00

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Eleanor Roosevelt

My last post was about Nasty People and I talked about some ideas from a book I found on one of my Dad’s bookshelves called Nasty People: How to Stop Being Hurt by Them Without Becoming One of Them. The truth of the matter is, as the author points out, people aren’t nasty. What they do is nasty. Their actions can be nasty. But the longer we allow anyone to consistently do nasty things to us, the more difficult, self-centered and controlling they become. The author calls these people "Little Hitlers." One thing I have learned from my midlife divorce is that it doesn’t help anyone or do any good to let people do hurtful things without voicing your displeasure or confronting the issues until a satisfactory conclusion is reached for both of you. In my opinion, too many women give in to keep the peace. For example if someone does or says something nasty to us before a party, we usually let it slide instead of confronting because of the effect a full-blown discussion will have on the evening. And then we’re hesitant to bring it up later because things seem to be going along smoothly and we don’t want to rock the boat. It is best for you in all of your relationships not to let these things build up. Even though you wisely might not respond immediately, you should do so within 24 hours. I realize now that in my marriage to my wasband, I was more interested in keeping things in the family on an even keel than addressing issues that warranted a serious discussion. We should not be on edge every minute waiting for something to be upset about. We should not become too sensitive about the give and take of relationships, but when our personal boundaries are definitely crossed, we should confidently, carefully and with respect make our feelings known.

"So chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength; discipline." Colossians 3:12 (The Message)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-09-03T14:07:00.000-07:00

“You may know someone, someone you consider to be a good person, who puts up with another who makes her life miserable.” Nasty People: How to Stop Bing Hurt by Them Without Becoming One of Them by Jay Carter

After our wasbands reveal a long-term affair or after they come to us and say, “I just don’t love you anymore.,” it’s amazing how long we put up with this person who does not change and continues making us miserable. We keep thinking, “It’s just a phase … he’ll come back to his senses.” Or we say to ourselves, “I’m not willing to give up my marriage without a fight;" or "I still love him.” We continue to let someone hurt us, belittle us and invalidate us at the same time he is sleeping with or living with or having an emotional, spiritual or physical affair with “someone who ‘really gets me””. And all the while, we grovel and weep and pray and beg for them to stop and come home. We let them treat us in a way that we would never allow anyone to treat someone we love. I did that for three long agonizing, torturous years. As we are trying to fix our marriage, they are saying things like, “We could work this out if you weren’t so unforgiving;” Or “ I said I’m sorry, we can’t have a life if you are still so angry and bitter about this.” Or, “I still love you, but she’s my soul mate.” Or “I deserve to be happy.” And then I groveled and read books and prayed some more hoping he would somehow love me again. He went on being a Nasty Person and I went on being the victim and begging for him to come back home and being more miserable than I have ever been in my whole life. Jay Carter says, “You tend to have no respect for someone who has no self-respect.” Our children and our friends finally start saying, “Let him go.” They start losing respect for us as we continue to let someone treat us in such a selfish, abusive way. As a Christian and as a woman who desperately wanted to save my marriage, I gave him every single chance to stop his adultery and come back home. I think God honored my desire to fix our marriage and all of my efforts to do that. But I have come to realize that God was also saying: “You are my beloved child. Trust me. You cannot control his behavior, but you can trust me. Stand confidently and do right. Don’t let anyone trample on my truth and my covenants or yours. If you need to, shake the dust from your feet and move on.” God will bless your desire to save your marriage. God will honor every single thing you have done to make things right for everyone including your wasband. But if your wasband chooses another path, you cannot change that. You will be blessed for letting him go and finding the incredible new life God has waiting for you.

"If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, shake the dust off your feet as you leave that home or town." Matthew 10:14 (NIV)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-09-02T06:43:00.001-07:00

“Every time you meet a situation, though you think at the time it is an impossibility and you go through the tortures of the damned, once you have met it and lived through it, you find that forever after you are freer than before.”

That’s a great description of my feeling about midlife divorce … “the tortures of the damned.” I know that if you are in the early phases of this midlife divorce recovery journey, you too can identify with the “tortures of the damned” part of that quote. What you probably don’t get yet is the fact “that forever after you are freer than before.” But that is so true! At the beginning of my divorce recovery journey, I thought that I would never really be happy again or find a new passion for my life that brought a thrill to my heart every day. I thought I would be stuck in the middle of some unfulfilling half-life of just an okay existence at best. But that is so wrong!!! This experience of divorce, as torturous as it was, taught me that the freedom to create our own joy is not dependent on any outward circumstances. And that is freedom on the highest levels. We are never tethered to circumstances again. We learn to consciously live above our circumstances. Our life and the pleasure and fun we create are a conscious designing of the life we want. -- our true life – passionate and bold and joyous! Even if we are forced to move to an apartment, or forced to live in our car, or forced to start over in a new place, we still have the power to create our own joy. The thing is, most of us don’t learn this lesson until we have met and lived through “the tortures of the damned.” Some people coast through their okay life and never learn that incredibly liberating lesson! Don’t waste these lessons! Your life can definitely be changed for good forever after, and you will be stronger and freer and more fulfilled than you ever thought possible.

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.”
2 Corinthians 3:17 (NIV)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-08-31T05:32:00.000-07:00

When you’re going through a midlife divorce, you tend to be so focused on yourself that you forget about the good things you can still do for others. I’m back in Wichita for another round of sorting at my parent’s house. Here’s one thing I’ve discovered: hand written notes and personal letters are important to people. Mothers especially tend to keep those hand made drawings and early attempts at getting our love out into the open. At least that’s true in our family. I’ve discovered letters I wrote my parents from elementary school days, college and early years of married life down to the present day. I’ve found notes from my brothers to my mom or dad. They are mostly fun to read even though sometimes they were written at times of distress or decision. And I’m still finding pads of my mom’s scribbly, edit-as-you-go words on endless yellow pads (and I think of all the yellow pads in my own big plastic bins at home! – By the way, I’ve started using white pads because I heard it was easier on the environment!)) Mom’s words, though I haven’t gone through them all, will end up being a collage of her life and her philosophy. They represent ideas and beliefs she wanted to share with people about God and about life in general. I’m wondering what my kids will discover about me and my philosophy of life when they go through my stuff? Will they see that in spite of my despair about my divorce that in the deepest part of my soul I still believed that God is good and still in control and that he always keeps his promises regardless of how bleak the immediate circumstances sometimes look? Will they see a bitter, angry woman? Will they see someone going through the normal process of grief and then a cleansing release and an embracing of new purpose? I guess because my mom always wrote her thoughts down for us as children or teenagers or adults and because she seemed to write to gather her thoughts before a class or a lecture somewhere, that I tend to flesh out my own musings in words, too. I know getting my thoughts into concrete words helps me solidify my thinking. Helps me see fallacies in my arguments. Helps me get past the experience itself and into what the experience actually means in the big picture. But it means I’m also leaving a paper trail for those who come after me. That’s true for you, too. A little scary, but true none-the-less.

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-08-28T06:41:00.000-07:00

“The hardest thing to accept in life is that you cannot control anyone else. No matter how hard you try, you can’t make someone like you or love you without their desire to do so.” Jessica Weiner, Author of Do I Look Fat in This?

How many ridiculous and embarrassing and demeaning things have we done during our midlife divorce to try to make our wasband love us? Not to mention all the things we did in our marriage to make it work.
How many times has your wasband made you feel like you are responsible for his bad choices? Jessica Weiner, in her book quoted above continues the thought that as women we tend to look at failed or stalled or problematic relationships in the following way:

"Problem in a relationship=It was my fault
Not getting the love I deserve=I am not worthy
Being rejected in a relationship=I deserved it."

She goes on to say, “As a woman brought up in this world, somewhere deep inside you feel like you should have control over the outcome of your relationships.” We all were brought up to some degree thinking that we, alone, were in charge of making the relationship work. And those of us brought up as Christians were taught to think that regardless of what our partner did, it was our job to make it work. I still feel that I should be doing good things to make any relationship work. But one of the biggest lessons that this divorce has taught me is that I absolutely have no control over another person. I can have influence. I can pray. But what any person chooses to do is his/her choice alone. These statements do not mean that I can just do whatever I want in a relationship and think, “so what?” I just want you to know that after you have tried your best and cried and prayed and done your part with your whole heart, his decisions are his. He will reap the consequences of his actions, and you will reap the consequences of yours. So do your best. Live your life the best you can. Make the wisest decisions you can make. Don’t be embarrassed about anything you did for love. There is only one person responsible for what you have done. You. There is only one person responsible for what he has done. It’s him. God will be the judge.

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-08-27T06:32:00.000-07:00

“Sometimes getting a whack on the side of the head can be the best thing to happen to you.” Roger von Oech, Author of A Whack on the Side of the Head: How You Can Be More Creative

A Midlife Divorce is a whack not only on the side of your head, but a slam on your whole body and soul and on almost every part of your everyday life. A Midlife Divorce is one of the biggest most disruptive challenges of life. A simple whack on the side of the head might throw you off balance for a few minutes, but a full force punch to the gut and right hook to the jaw like divorce can take months and years to recover from. It knocks you out temporarily. You stumble groggily to the corner. Everything changes. Your living situation, your name, your relationship with family and friends, traditions, lifestyle, surroundings, employment and on and on and on. Is there any good news or anything positive in that kind of blow to your whole body and mind? The unequivocal answer is YES!! You will definitely have a time of cleaning up the blood and crying all the tears and screaming and that’s an exhausting trip. But when that part of the process is mostly under control and you decide to step out of that ring, never will there be such a clear-cut opportunity to design the life you want. Divorce is one of the few things you will ever face that will give you such a chance to make new life choices that really make a difference. What am I going to do now? What am I going to teach my children? Where am I going to live? Who are my friends going to be? Am I going to change my name? Am I going to go back to school? You didn’t choose it and didn’t want it, but now you have been given this chance to rebuild a brand new life. You might say, “I don’t want a new life … I just want my old life back!!” But, the truth of the matter is, as much as you think you want it, you’re not going to get it. That sounds harsh, but it’s the truth. Staying in the ring for more abuse is not the answer, anyway. The other truth is that you now have a chance to walk away from the destructive parts of that old life and create a bright, fulfilling, adventurous and magical, marvelous new life. Take this Super Whack and use it as a turning point -- a launching pad for gratitude and graciousness and glorious new adventures. You have two choices. # 1: Stay in the ring waiting for another hit or cower on the mat crying, being angry, being resentful, and being bitter and miserable for the rest of your life. Or #2: Get up, dust yourself off, wipe your nose on your sleeve, and start minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, day-by-day creating the new life you want -- the life beyond your wildest dreams -- the life that will reflect the best of who you are. It’s your choice. The referee's counting.

"Remember that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize. You also must run in such a way that you will win. All athletes practice strict self-control. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. So I run straight to the goal with purpose in every step. I am not like a boxer who misses his punches. I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should. Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might be disqualified."
1 Corinthians 9:24-27

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-08-26T10:15:00.000-07:00

“The way you feel about your body affects your entire life. It affects your health, wealth, family, relationships and career.” Jessica Weiner in her book, Do I Look Fat in This?

For a lot of us, our weight has been a problem through our midlife divorce. Most of us lost (or are still losing weight). But I’m past that. The pendelum has swung the other way, and all of a sudden, I feel fat. And often, we not only feel fat, we feel like a blob. I’ve been feeling both those things lately. The truth is, I have gained weight. My excuses: it’s because: (1) our room in the basement with the workout equipment in it flooded after a huge rain in the spring and it was unusable for several months; (2) my mom got sick and died on July 14th (and I was trying to comfort not only other people, but my Dad and myself especially with comfort food that made us both feel better for a minute) and (3) now, I’ve been sort of on overload trying to spend at least a couple of days or so each week in Wichita to help sort through 66 years of memories and letting my brother and sister-in-law feed me while I’m there and not walking even though my sister-in-law asked me every morning if I wanted to go with her to walk the dogs. So, not only do I feel fat, but I stepped on the scales the other day and I’m 10 pounds over what has been my normal weight for 30 years (except for the 15 pound weight loss during the divorce). Ugh! I don’t like the feeling I have. I don’t like the way my clothes fit. And I especially don’t like feeling out of control. The thing is, I really eat very healthy most of the time, but now I just keep visualizing carrying around a ten-pound turkey and thinking that’s how much extra weight I’m carrying around every day. For me, more than anything, I know it’s because I haven’t been working out like I usually do, and those pounds just creep up. My mom always prayed I’d be short with curly hair. I wouldn’t tell her this (even though she’s probably reading this over my shoulder at this very moment!), but really if I were just a few inches taller, I’d be fine! That’s it, I’m not too fat, I’m just too short!” But short I can’t do anything about. Fat, I can. I think my diet is fine. I just need to get back to my normal workouts. Six days a week. In the past, I’ve religiously walked or biked (as fast as I can) three days a week (or more) and have done weight training three days a week. I’ve started doing the walking part again the last couple of weeks. And the workout room is set up again. I always, always feel better after I’ve worked out and it’s still true now. It’s just that it will take some discipline and some time to get back down to my “fighting” weight. And patience is not my strong suit. Feeling strong and healthy is a big part of feeling like you can handle anything that comes your way. So make sure you’re eating right and getting your heart-rate up every day … (by exercise, not by communicating with your wasband!) In fact, if you are healthy, you are better able to control those emotional typhoons. So join me. Get moving … or maybe, get moving, again!

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-08-25T04:42:00.003-07:00

“May my world become more beautiful each morning because I am growing warmer, kinder, wiser in all my thoughts and actions.” Juanita Goodvin (my Mom)

Whether you are in the middle of a divorce after many years of marriage or you are dealing with any other personal crisis, here is one way to make today better. The advice below is from a group of inspirational cards from our family card company and was written by my mom:

“May I realize that … This moment …. This day … This week …. This month is a gift and now is a perfect time to express love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness and faithfulness with actions.

I can say ‘I love you and I’m glad you’re mine.’

I can be fun to be with – laughing, giggling, playing, enjoying more.

I can choose to make each person I meet feel special and warm and lovely …
Especially those in my house!

I can laugh and grow and enjoy heaven … NOW!”

“But when the Holy Spirit controls our lives, He will produce this kind of fruit in us … love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness and faithfulness.” Galatians 5:22

Here’s how The Message puts it: “But what happens when we live God’s way? He brings gifs into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard – things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates all things and people.”

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-08-24T06:57:00.001-07:00

“God often uses our troubles to fashion us for better things.” Juanita Goodvin, my mom.

Since my mom died on July 14th, I’ve been trying to spend two or three days in Wichita every week. So, I feel like I’m catching up on both ends. If you’re going through a midlife divorce, you are probably playing catch up too. Divorce takes an unbelievable amount of time and energy, and there is no getting around that. Stuff has to be gathered up, gone through and sorted. You have to figure out what to keep and what to throw away. You have to think about what you want in your new life and what things you need to purge. Part of my time last week in Wichita was spent going through my mom’s things … drawers of writing and resources that she used in our card business. Personal letters. Notes for classes she taught. I hardly threw away any of her writings. I will go through them more carefully when I have time. In sorting through your life after divorce some things have to be set aside for later. Some things you need to let go of immediately because they tie you to a situation that is not good for you or anyone else. In my mom’s things, I came across the quote above. And it is definitely something I am going to hold on to. Think about what God is fashioning for your future as you are sorting through your life after divorce. What things do you want to get rid of? What things can you build with? Keep reminding yourself that the trouble you are going through now is preparing you for better things. Believe that. Learn from what you’re going through. Let God use it to refine you and polish you and make you shine like never before. Cry when you need to. Feel the hurt. But deep down, be joyful for what’s happening inside you through this process. And don’t forget to be constantly asking God for wisdom to learn what he wants you to learn through this. Remember, by accepting God’s perfect design for you, you are being fashioned for your amazing new life. And it will be more beautiful than you can even imagine. That’s a promise.

“Whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything. If you need wisdom – if you want to know what God wants you to do, ask him and he will gladly tell you.” James 1:2-5

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-08-21T07:11:00.000-07:00

"There is nothing stable in the world – uproar’s your only music."
John Keats

Uproar is a good description of a midlife divorce and the recovery following. But reading the quote by Keats made me re-think uproar. As music? Can we ever really see life’s uproar as music? Can we ever see the uproar caused by divorce as music? What did Keats mean? The divorce happened. We can be crushed by it, or we can see it as a part of life that has to be faced and learned from and used to create a better, more rich and full life. A midlife divorce causes drama big time. Real drama. Real upheaval. Real despair and devastation. But when it’s over and there is not one thing we can do about it, we need to change how we view it. We must grieve it fully and not try to pretend it’s not a big deal. But is there any possible way we can begin to see the uproar as the basis of composing a new score for our new life story? One thing I disagree with Keats about is that in my experience, there is something stable in the world. But only one thing. God. The love of God who chose to come to earth and to send his Spirit to live within us is the one stable thing in all the universe. Everything else is truly unstable compared to that. And when we learn to put our hope and trust and life in the care and control of that one unchanging constant, the instability of everything is easier to handle. Our wasband did not keep his promises. But God ALWAYS does. Our wasband created despair. God always guides us to peace and joy and love. God makes our life (with our consent) an uproarious, celebration song of victory. Through absolutely anything and everything. I want to get to the point where the amazing song of God’s goodness is the only song I hear even in the midst of life’s greatest challenges. Then he will give me joyful songs of my own to sing so those in my world will also hear.

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him." Psalm 126:6

"Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, "The LORD has done great things for them." Psalm 126:2

"For you make me glad by your deeds, O LORD; I sing for joy at the works of your hands." Psalm 92:4

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-08-20T06:28:00.001-07:00

If you’ve read this Midlife Divorce Recovery blog for very long you know that I’ve been reading through the Bible this year. Our church encouraged this in January by providing Bibles at cost with selections from the Old Testament, New Testament, Psalms and Proverbs every day. The readings are always enlightening, even though I still struggle with parts of the Old Testament that are hard to reconcile with my puny little concept of a reality called God that can’t be described or fully understood. But every day, something jumps out at me from these readings, and it’s exciting to discover those gems early with a new day ahead of me and a warm cup of coffee in my hand. So often the words bring new encouragement and surety in the days of confusion and distress that are inherent in a midlife divorce. I quoted from my reading yesterday, and I’m going to again today because they are so appropriate and hopeful.

This is from Psalm 37:1-11

“Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong;
for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.

Trust in the LORD and do good;
Dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the LORD;
Trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
The justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
Do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
When they carry out their wicked schemes.

Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
Do not fret – it leads only to evil.
For evil men will be cut off,
But those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.

A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
Though you look for them, they will not be found.
But the meek will inherit the land and enjoy great peace.”

I want anyone who reads this blog to “do good” today. And twice David says, “Do not fret.” That’s hard on this divorce road, but today, just decide not to fret about anything. And then, grab hold of the promises contained in this reading: “he will give you the desires of your heart;” “He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn;” “Those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land and enjoy great peace.” Those are promises worth grabbing and holding on to! The key is trusting in the LORD God of all the universe, this very day August 20, 2009. Is that amazing or what?!!! By the way, when you “Delight yourself in the LORD,” how does that affect the desires of your heart? Think about how you can Delight in the LORD today at work or at school or at home. The better we get at delighting in the LORD, the more clear the desires of our heart will be. Soon, we will begin to notice how God is bringing those desires into rock-solid reality right before our eyes.

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-08-19T06:58:00.000-07:00

The following selections from Psalms and Proverbs were part of my daily Bible reading this morning. Do you recognize anyone? I think you will recognize two people you know very well. Make sure you stay identified with the right side of the reading! I thought these were so appropriate I just had to share them.

This is from David in the Psalms: Chapter 36: 1-9

“An oracle is within my heart concerning the sinfulness of the wicked:
There is no fear of God before his eyes.
For in his own eyes he flatters himself too much to detect or hate his sin.
The words of his mouth are wicked and deceitful;
He has ceased to be wise and to do good.
Even on his bed he plots evil, he commits himself to a sinful course
And does not reject what is wrong.

Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens,
Your faithfulness to the skies.
Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains,
Your justice like the great deep.
O LORD, you preserve both man and beast.
How priceless is your unfailing love!
Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of your wings.
They feast on the abundance of your house;
You give them drink from your river of delights.
For with you is the fountain of life;
In your light we see light.

And this from Proverbs 21:21 also from today’s reading is an additional encouragement!

“He who pursues righteousness and love, finds life, prosperity and honor.”

That reading is from the New International version. I also like that same verse as it’s translated in The Message:

“Whoever goes hunting for what is right and kind finds life itself – glorious life!”

Keep doing right and being kind and find glorious life yourself today!!!

Love to you all.
Suzy
P.S. The picture of the man above keeps morphing into all the wasbands I know.

r.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-08-18T04:22:00.000-07:00

This blog is for midlife women going through divorce. That means you are probably going through some other things as well. You may be feeling the joy of new grandbabies or a new, more adult bond with your children. It also may mean fewer physical responsibilities on the home front and more time for friends. But there are other stages that go along with midlife. For example, aging parents. My Mom died last month and my brother and sister-in-law and I have been going through her things. My Dad just went to a senior living facility, so we’re thinning out his things because of that as well. My advice: Keep things “in control” yourself. Thin out your own belongings. (My children would be laughing at this point!) I keep too much stuff. My mom and dad did too. But here’s my advice that I am going to go home and start doing! Give away clothes you don’t wear. Get rid of underwear with holes in it. Throw away makeup that you don’t use. (Eye makeup should be thrown away every six month at least). Throw away last year’s birthday cards from friends and relatives when your next birthday comes. You only need a couple of purses and a few nice vases. You don’t need the latest kitchen gadgets like slicers and dicers and squeezers. A few really good knives and a nice set of pots, pans and baking dishes are enough. Here are some other suggestions. Have a toy closet when kids come visit. Use picture frames that can be updated every year. Put old pictures in an album (that’s a good one!). Talk to family and friends about drawing names for Christmas or getting family gifts. All that stuff sounds good, doesn’t it? Not very realistic, but laudable. But then your descendants might not have that unique joy of
finding meaningful family things that were passed down from generation to generation. I found old notes I had written my parents and faded pictures from a trip and the planter my Dad took to the hospital the day I was born and my grandmother’s birth certificate and a little boat my Dad’s brother carved the night my Dad was born and a chipped white bowl from England that had a note taped to it, “Hang on to this bowl, Wayne (my Dad); I’ve had it for 47 years and I got it from Mom, who got it from her Mom.” That means that bowl survived dust bowls as it sat on a handmade table in a sod house. It survived the depression and wars and family upheavals. I’ve got that bowl sitting on my counter at home now and I’ll tell my daughter about it. I also found the bowl my mom used to put bread dough in to let it rise. It had been her mom’s as well. I found crocheted doilies and a boxful of beautiful scarves and a stack of hatboxes with all the latest hats. But the best things to find are the personal notes and messages from people we care about. Or funny papers from school or messages about a bronze star my dad was awarded for his meritorious service under enemy fire in World War II. Family history in real life pieces of paper or things you can hold in your hands. Doing this is emotional. But it’s cathartic as well and it gives me more of a sense of how absolutely blessed I was to have parents who were doing their best to create the best life possible for my brothers and me like their parents had done before them. It makes everyone more real and more impressive than ever. When someone goes through my stuff I hope they will be encouraged. I hope they will see a life history that keeps that legacy of love going. I’m sure my kids will think I saved too much stuff. I just want the things I do save to give them courage and a blessing somehow … that it will reveal my desire to do the best I could for them as I went along the path of all those very normal, but very extraordinary days. In the meantime, go through your underwear drawer and throw away anything with frayed edges or holes in it or with a safety pin holding it together. Or maybe we could all tape a funny note to the bottom of some drawer for someone in the next generation to find! I think I'm going to do that when I get home, and I'm also going to gather up a bunch of vases I've kept from flowers I've received. I'm going to take them back to the florist and save my kids a trip!

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-08-17T04:49:00.001-07:00

I usually tell women in support groups and in private midlife divorce recovery coaching to give up the idea that their wasband will ever apologize or ask forgiveness for his affair. I advise them to give up the idea that their wasband will ever really face or acknowledge what he has done to the family. I advise women to stop trying to get that validation. But we all seem to want it. In the beginning, we think we would feel better if our wasbands took some sort of responsibility for their part. But in my experience hardly any of them do. My brother who is a minister and who conducts funeral services told me last night of a funeral he led last week. The man was 46 and died unexpectedly of a heart attack. His twenty-something girls had good things to say about him. His ex-wife got up and told her story and said: "If any of you have unresolved issues you want to get cleared up, don’t put it off. It’s a wonderful gift and she went on to say in public what her wasband had said to her. At some point, many years later, after coming back to his spiritual base, he went to her and said: “I want you to know that I know that I made some terrible mistakes in our marriage. I know that our divorce was because of actions on my part and I’m truly sorry about that. If I had not done those things I know we would still be married and that’s my loss. But if I were to pick out a man for you it would be (Joe – her new husband) If I had to pick out a step-dad for our girls it would be Joe.” This woman got up in front of the audience and told that story and said, “If you have any fences you need to mend; if you have any unresolved issues you need to set straight, do it. When (Bob – not his real name but her ex-husband) told me those things, it was a great weight off of my heart. It was a gift to me and he did the same for our girls. It makes more difference than you know, and it is a legacy worth giving.” She told my brother she didn’t ask for him to do that, and she definitely didn’t expect it especially after all those years. She had moved on with her life successfully. I just wanted to pass along that there are those very rare men who face their actions squarely and make an attempt to make amends. But I have yet to hear of one of them do it because of prodding or pleading by us. Let those desires go. Only God can change a heart enough to make that happen. In ten years I have heard only one story like that, but I am proud of that one strong man who quietly did what he could even many years later to make things right.

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-08-13T07:27:00.000-07:00

“Manifesting your dreams begins with the difficult task of discovering what they really are.” Debbie Ford

A midlife divorce makes us re-evaluate almost everything. Especially ourselves. Recovery demands that after our grieving and sobbing and rage have subsided, we have to take a deep breath and realize that all those emotions, as necessary as they are in the process, will not get us to the new life we desire. To get from devastation to delight, we must figure out what delight means to us. At a midlife divorce recovery support group meeting last night we talked about what legacy we want to leave. What do we each want to do with this one wild precious life we’ve been given? What mark do we want to leave on the people we come in contact with every single day on this planet earth? The question “What legacy do I want to leave?” in the early stages of part 2 of our life is kind of like asking a kindergartner what she wants to be when she grows up. Often, as women especially, we truly wanted to be wives and mothers along with doing some job we enjoyed to help pay the bills. Often, our life just tumbled into place without much real thought. We might have felt we didn’t have the luxury of being totally immersed by a private dream. Now at this new stage of recreating what our life will be, we may have an opportunity to re-look at choices we put aside long ago. Think of things you loved to do as a child. Think about what classes made you excited when scouring your college handbook. Even though you may still have children at home, you may also have a bit more freedom to explore new areas of interest. And in midlife, your children may be well on their way to college or on their own. And you may not even have children. Whatever your personal situation, carve out some “alone” time, look deeply within and evaluate your own gifts and interests. Ask God to reveal his plans for you. Then quietly wait for signals and signs. Think about what you are good at. Take note of what tasks and experiences bring you an inner glow of competence. Can you contribute in ways that use your unique and delight-bearing gifts? And don’t overlook the fact that you may be fulfilling your highest calling by simply living your day-to-day life with a new awareness and a new appreciation for every opportunity to shine your light in the simplest (but also most profound and lasting) ways. Get totally into the moment and see all the contributions you already make that really make a difference to someone. What actions bring new insight and encouragement to others? Be constantly curious and excited about your unique place in life. As you learn to live with new attention and mindfulness and openness, your way will become more clear as God's Spirit begins to move you in the direction you should go.

“God can do anything, you know – far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.” Ephesians 3:20-21 (The Message)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-08-12T07:34:00.000-07:00

After my midlife divorce, one of my biggest sadnesses was that my wasband and I wouldn’t be doing all of those grandparenting things together. I was absolutely sick at heart about that. Thinking about that was almost more than I could bear at some points. I couldn’t see how he would willingly give that up. But the reality is, he did. The truth is, I couldn’t, and you can’t either, do one thing about his actions. If he wants to give all that up, nothing you say or do will change that, so you have to eventually accept it. And then, you can start saying to yourself, “Okay, he’s not going to be a part of it, but I can still make wonderful memories for my grandchildren (or nieces or nephews or neighborhood children) on my own. I can still have as much fun as possible with them on my own.” I’ve been doing that now for almost 10 years and I am closer to my grandchildren than ever. The Sleepout on the Deck is just one fun example of that. All of my children’s children (ages 2 – 15) came over at 4:00 p.m. on Monday evening and stayed til around noon on Tuesday. That doesn’t sound like a long time, but we packed a lot into those hours! Here are some ideas: Have pizzas delivered; fix (or buy) chicken strips in advance that just have to be heated up, have them make their own sub sandwiches …. Have all the fixen’s you can think of … sliced veggies, olives, sprouts, avocados, cheeses, meat, lettuce, tomatoes. Get those huge assortments of individually bagged chips of all kinds. Make sure you have enough. Breakfast can be those individual boxes of cereal (the bigger boxes), donut holes, bagels, fruit -- anything easy and fast. Use paper plates and cups. This is supposed to be sort of like a campout! After dinner we did a craft project. I got all kinds of stuff for each one to make a collage…(On thick hard sturdy paper boards) … one was about basketball, my granddaughter did hers about the Wizard of Oz - a musical in which she had just performed; one created a picture of shimmery clouds with jewel raindrops, the little ones just made beautiful designs. (The Key: have plenty of jewels and things they can glue on; for each child have a glue stick, Elmer’s, and scissors and enough paper, etc. to glue on.) After that, we watched “Godzilla” – the old one! The 2-year old sat in my lap and said “scary! All the time” The 4-5-6 year olds were scared, but wouldn’t admit it, and the older ones provided a running commentary all the way along. After it was dark, we each took our new flashlights (you can get them cheap, but you must have one for everyone!) and took an hour-long midnight hike around a neighboring golf course. When we returned we all put our sleeping bags out and slept all in a line on the back deck with me at the entrance to make sure no one inadvertently got off the deck during the night! I woke up several times during the night just to check on various kids (some had come uncovered; some off their pillows, etc.) But I can’t even describe the joy in my heart to lay my head down on my pillow and look up at the moon and the stars on an absolutely perfect night and then to look down and see eight lumps with heads sticking out of various and sundry sleeping bags. Amazingly enough everyone slept til at least eight except my oldest granddaughter who had drill team camp to get to. We had friendship bracelets to make after breakfast (could have gone more smoothly!) and everyone wanted to watch Godzilla again. By this time, my children were picking up their progeny and were telling what they had done with their time to themselves. My oldest son and his wife had dinner at a French bistro then went to “Julia and Julie,” My middle son and his wife went to dinner and an art movie; my daughter had a glorious evening all to herself (she’s a high school English teacher and school starts next week!). It was great for absolutely everyone … me in particular. A night hopefully we will all remember with joy. (My children are the ones who suggested this become an annual event.) I’m already planning for next year!! Be creative! Have fun! Go with the Flow! Your wasband’s foolish, selfish decisions are his loss. You can create a relationship with your grandchildren (and your children) on your own that will bring a warm, good, fun feeling to each of them. (And you will glow as well!) P.S. Don’t even worry about the mess while the kids are there. You can clean up when they are safely on their way home. (P.S. None of them wanted to go home which is a good sign!) If you are a member of the www.radicalwomennetwork.com site, start a new topic and share things you have done with your children and grandchildren.

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-08-10T06:36:00.000-07:00

We’ve been talking about change lately. A midlife divorce changes your life. Several R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women are moving to new houses, new neighborhoods, and even new states this week. Our prayers go with them. But let’s face it, uncharted territory can be terrifying. Explorers never know what’s behind the bend. If you are on this site, it’s most likely that you did not want the divorce and right now you hate the changes that have been forced on you. If you are like me, I tried everything to keep my divorce from happening. But I finally got to the point that I couldn’t live my life true to my own integrity and convictions and stay in the marriage. My wasband would not give up his girlfriend. I gave him three years to get that behind him or get that out of his system, or to stop that immoral behavior, but he refused. You were probably in a similar situation. I could not be the woman of God I wanted to be and stay in a relationship with a partner who was flagrantly, continually committing adultery with another woman. So the divorce became a dreaded reality. It has most likely become that for you to. Changes came at me from every direction. Huge changes, midsized changes, tiny changes. But I am almost ten years down the road from that day when my divorce was final. I know things that you may not understand yet. On that sunny October day in 2000 I was sick at heart, I was sick at my stomach. I was more sad than I thought it possible to be. I thought I would never be really happy again. But I was wrong. Many things have happened in these last nine years that have brought unbelievable joy and beauty into my life. Your life after divorce will absolutely change. Some change you will go through like I did … kicking and sobbing and screaming. But think about this: Think about your divorce actually changing your life for good. Think about new opportunities to serve that you might not have had before. Think about new things to learn and explore. Think about new people you can influence for God and for good. I know that you are thinking … I don’t want to do this. I don’t want this kind of change. I want my old life back. The reality is: You won’t get your old life back. You have two choices. Be sad and mad and depressed and afraid about the future from now on. Or start looking for the good that can come from your new life. Start viewing the future as a potential-filled stage of life to recreate new possibilities for service and satisfaction … for fulfillment and fun. You’ve got to change, so why not make the change fantastic? Think about new intellectual challenges. Consider new opportunities to shine God’s light. Explore new places and new people. Test your own capabilities. You’ll be amazed at how competent and smart and good you really are. Rebuild the self-esteem that has been destroyed by someone who was not good for you. You must change. So become the woman of your deepest desires, your highest hopes and your most delicious dreams. If you’re like me, you’ll start feeling more complete, more fulfilled, more full of delight and bright anticipation than ever. Change is coming! Rejoice in it!

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-08-04T07:51:00.000-07:00

I’ve been thinking about prayer a lot lately just because prayers seem to have been answered so dramatically and so specifically, recently. The way Mom died as soon as my sister-in-law and I got off our knees asking for mom not to suffer anymore and for God to show us clearly and directly what he wanted. Then the call from “out of the blue” by a marketing director at a independent living/assisted living facility as my brother and I were driving around looking for a place that might be a good fit for my Dad. We prayed, holding hands before we started out. The first place was way beyond reach financially and there was a long waiting list. The second was still out of our budget and was depressing and sad even though seemingly well run. And then we got the call just wanting to invite Mom and Dad to lunch to look at this facility a few minutes from my brother’s house. When she found out what we were doing she said, “This is definitely a God thing! I have an expanded one-bedroom apartment that will be available in early August … and it’s the only one I have and it will be filled immediately if you don’t want it.” And it was completely in our price range. Then my daughter has recently moved and her four-year-old daughter was unable to find a place in the parochial preschool that was close to my daughter’s house. The principal of the school said, “don’t plan on getting in here because she is third on the waiting list and we hardly ever have cancellations this late in the summer.” The principal called yesterday and said there was a place for Daisy! Are all of these coincidences? Did prayer have anything to do with anything? And then what about all of those tearful, pleading prayers I prayed to God that my marriage would be saved, or that my wasband would end his affair or that my children would not have to be part of a “broken family”? What about those prayers? I celebrate and thank God for his perfect will when prayers are answered like I want. I don’t celebrate when prayers don’t seem to bring the results I so desperately desire. Can I learn to thank God for his answers regardless of what they are? Can I believe that God’s purposes can be fulfilled even when things don’t turn out like I think I want? Here’s what I think: I believe God expects us to voice our wants and desires to him. My older brother one time said, “Why would I ever pray for anything specific if God knows all and loves me and has promised to work out my life for my good and his glory? Why would I ever pray for anything but his will?” But the Bible does say, “With Thanksgiving, make your requests known to God.” And do I have lots of requests …. every single day! I am trying to get to the point that after I pray (and especially when I pray with others) that I will trust that God will honor my prayer and will do what is best and what is in his perfect plan. I think he takes what we think we want and turns it into what will really be best for us and for his purposes. I am trying to get to the place that I will completely trust that after I pray about things, that God will be completely faithful to work out my life for his glory and my good. I am going to try to learn to trust even through the tears. God understands my heart and he will understand, too, that in spite of what we pray for, we really want his will for us. That’s when he can do his very best work!

"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life." Philippians 4:6-7 (The Message)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-08-03T06:55:00.000-07:00

Life is full of change. Some change we consider good. Some we consider bad. Marriage. Children. Work. Midlife Divorce. Death of a loved one. Move to a new environment. I’ve decided that the key to life is learning to deal with change, because life is by definition, change. We can refuse to change and stay angry and mad or sad because we must change. Or we can accept the changes that must be made in the best way possible. My mom died about three weeks ago. She lived a rich, full, vibrant life that left me with memories and lessons that will always be a part of me. But her death has brought change to all of the family, especially my dad. He is 90. He has been with my mom almost 67 years. The change facing him is cataclysmic. I have been in Wichita with him, helping to figure out his next step. He said at the kitchen table the other night, “I have known this adjustment was coming. I know my life is going to be radically changed. Sometimes I’m excited about it, sometimes I’m nervous, and sometimes I dread it.” Don’t we all feel like that about most change in our lives? My brother, Grant, preached a sermon yesterday about our Mission, Our Message and our Motivation as people of God. When we have a mission in life, change is easier. My dad feels that he still has people he can encourage at this new place. In fact, when we went to visit, we looked at an apartment that was occupied by another 90-year-old man, a career military man who had lost his wife in June. My Dad can encourage him. My brother mentioned that it’s not an accident that Dad is going to this place. God still has a mission for him and a message for him to deliver. That’s how I grew to feel about my midlife divorce recovery mission. I think because I have been on this road, I can share things I’ve learned with women just starting out. I can use this change to help others. All of us can use this change to clarify our purpose here on earth. And by having a purpose that is truly worthy of our time, energy and resources, joy and fulfillment and contentment will find us on their own. When change encourages us to find new ways to express God’s love and our concern for others, we will be rewarded with a life “beyond our wildest dreams.” That’s a promise. In my life it’s been true. It will be true in my Dad’s new phase of life. It will be true in yours as well.

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-07-30T06:54:00.000-07:00

“The only person you have control over is yourself.” A Universal Truth

Last night I was privileged to fill in and lead a Midlife Divorce Recovery support group. What an amazing group of beautiful, fun and intelligent women. . I am left, once again, saying, “What in the ‘heck’ is wrong with the men who would leave these women?!!” Even though each woman sitting around the table is going through most likely the most difficult thing she will ever face, each still had a robust sense of humor which is a very big deal. We laughed at one woman’s experience with a Yoga weekend and another saying in a very funny way how far she had moved past the typical woman’s shallow concerns. Every woman had helpful insights to share. That’s what is so wonderful about these groups. One woman who is still really struggling with some issues can share a nugget of wisdom that helps another woman turn a difficult corner. It’s that sharing of lessons that make these groups so helpful. One beautiful, bright participant had some tears during the meeting, but she shared something that helped us all… me included. One of the things that most upset her (and me early on) was the fact that my wasband never really acknowledged what he had done and never took responsibility for the hurt and pain that he had inflicted on so many, many people … particularly people he was supposed to love. I kept wanting some sort of validation that he knew he had messed up and take responsibility for his part instead of always indicating if I had somehow been different he would not have been forced to do what he had done. An older relative of the woman in the group said to her, “picture it this way… picture him as a paraplegic and you are asking him to move the piano. He simply does not have the capacity to move the piano, and the sooner you realize that, the sooner you can let go of your desire to hear the words or feel the emotions you want from him.” That helped me, and it’s been almost nine years since my divorce. It reinforced the truth that we have to let go of our need for certain things. Most of our wasbands are totally incapable of giving us what we think we need for closure and the sooner we realize that the better. The less we think about what we need from him and move to what we want for ourselves, the better. We have absolutely no control over anything he says or does, but we do have control over ourselves and we can always make the choice to concentrate on all of those positive actions that will make our own lives better. In the end, the best thing to do is get the resources we need to move the piano ourselves!

P.S. I will be in Wichita again for a few days and will try to get online, but can’t make any promises. Thank you for your patience. Love, Suzy

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-07-29T08:40:00.001-07:00

“You have to count on living every single day in a way you believe will make you feel good about your life --- so that if it were over tomorrow, you’d be content with yourself.”
Jane Seymour, Actor

Before mom died, she and I had a conversation about her life, and she made the statement that she might change a few details, but there wasn’t really anything big she would change. I thought to myself, “Can I say that?” Can you? In the middle of my midlife divorce and the recovery that I had to struggle through, there were thousands of things I wanted to change. The main one was that the divorce would not have happened. As hard as I tried to stop it, it did happen. But from ten years out, even though my life might have been easier if the divorce hadn’t happened, and I would have cried millions fewer tears, would I have the insights and relationships I have now if it hadn’t happened? Would my life just be sort of coasting along with no real purpose and direction other than the status quo? God had another plan that came along with the pain of my divorce. There has been amazing new intimacy in my own relationship to him and to others. He has given me a job to do that helps thousands of women. He has given me a place to shine his light that I would never have had if that divorce had not happened. Plus, in spite of the bad statistics about children of divorce, I believe my children are stronger and more grounded than ever, and I have had a chance to try to live out my faith in a way that might give them courage when facing discouragements of their own. Even though I made hundreds of mistakes, I feel good about where I am now. I am more sure than ever that my life is unfolding as it should. I have been blessed in ways that would never have been possible without the divorce. The truth is, I tried to not be divorced in every way I could, and it happened anyway. I have been rewarded for my efforts. I am rewarded every single new day I'm given. The only thing I can do now is to trust God to continue to bring ever-expanding good out of it. I will embrace whatever future is mine. I will create the kind of days I can be proud of. Hopefully, at every stage of my life I too, can say that if my life were over tomorrow I would be content with myself. I am more than content. I am absolutely awed by the incredible everyday and extraordinary blessings that come my way minute by minute as I journey on this wild adventure called life.

"Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do; Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13-14

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-07-28T07:03:00.001-07:00

“Hope is like light … even the tiniest bit guides us through the darkness.”

After a midlife divorce, sometimes there is only the tiniest bit of light. We are taken back to one of the R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women on the www.radicalwomennetwork.com site who was a bit farther along on her journey who said she would be holding her lantern in the night for those just starting out. Holding our small lantern for others is very much a part of the healing and growing as we go through this experience. When we understand that even in the darkness we have a light to shine that will help someone farther down the line, it gives us courage and suddenly we look up and see a whole line of lanterns lighting our way. I love the picture of a body of water or a trail with lights glimmering in the darkness. In your struggles, be willing to share your insights as you learn them. Be willing to share your small victories as you go along. The more we talk of the good things that happen through this, the brighter our light will shine, and after a season, we find ourselves standing in the glorious, warm sun.

The quote above was taken from a sympathy card I received from a nephew’s wife after the death of my mom. This couple is very close to my heart, and she is one of the most creative, lovely people I have ever met. The rest of the card said this and it, too, is so appropriate for women struggling to survive an unwanted divorce (or the loss of a mother):

“Wishing you hope to help you see your hidden strengths, to show you the way, little by little.”

We will all move along life’s challenges discovering our hidden strengths little by little in the beginning. But I have no doubt that soon we will be taking bolder steps and longer strides and before we know it we will all be running for the new life that God is preparing us for, and it will unfold more gloriously than we can even imagine.

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-07-27T06:44:00.000-07:00

I am still burning up the road between Wichita and Kansas City (about 3 hours). I returned to K.C. Saturday after being in Wichita since Wednesday afternoon. I will leave here again Wed. evening or Thursday morning. I want to first of all thank everyone who reads this blog and has been praying for our family. God continues to work through all the decisions that have to be made and last week was another amazing example of that. My brother and I started looking at places that might be a good fit for my dad who is very social and has always loved being around people and talking (and talking and talking!). The first two places we looked at were very depressing to me … like hospital rooms with a bathroom. And the cost was $10,000 per month at one place and $6000 plus at another. (And there were waiting lists). As we were driving to another place on our list, a woman from an assisted living facility called (“from out of the blue”) and wanted to invite my Dad and Mom to lunch. She didn’t realize Mom had died until she called my sister-in-law, and remembered my Dad because he was a veteran and her dad had been also. She mentioned that just last week she found out that an expanded one-bedroom apartment in her facility was going to be available sometime around the first of August. A friend from my parent’s church lives there and had been trying to talk mom and dad to going there for several years. My brother and I stopped in and were met by people who were upbeat and laughing in a full, dining room. Some were using walkers or carts, but everyone seemed happy and engaged. My brother and sister-in-law are taking Dad to lunch there today. We haven’t told my dad that they are holding the apartment for us. He can get help with dressing, bathing, medications and getting to the dining room or other activities. They will move him for free and they have a barber shop and rides to doctors appointments. They even can provide hospice care if necessary. Dad’s family doctor is just a few blocks away as is my brother’s house. Talk about an answer to prayer! It is just amazing. And it appears that Dad’s social security and veterans benefits will just about cover the monthly fee. Can you believe it? My Dad continues to thank God for all his blessings in every prayer he says, and even though he is suffering and very sad, he accepts God’s providence even in this great loss of his “precious jewel”. Please pray that he feels safe and loved in this place. If this comes about, we can visit for meals or for the night or take him home with us any time and he will have the benefit of people his own age to interact with. (Several of his hall-mates have recently lost spouses.) I feel God still has work for my Dad to do, and I pray he will feel that call even now in this new stage of his life.

I know this blog is all about me and our family, but I think it is encouraging to anyone going through any of life’s difficulties and challenges. My Dad and Mom’s lives have been a testimony to God’s care since I can remember. It encourages me to see the living God of the universe still taking care of them. He will take care of all of us in every life challenge we face as well.

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-07-22T06:27:00.000-07:00

Good morning,

First of all, I know that you will all understand why I haven’t done the blog recently. I appreciate your patience. I have felt your love all around me this week. The funeral was just an unbelievable celebration of my mom’s life with my brother leading and letting anyone who wanted to talk including me, my sisters-in-law, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and others sharing what she meant to all of us. It was a final big gathering of people she loved, and she would have been happy at the bonding and care floating around everywhere. I came home on Sunday evening last week and have been catching up with things here since then and now I am going back to Wichita to figure out the next step for my dad. Just keep all of us in your prayers as we make these decisions. God has been so amazingly faithful during all of this, and I have no doubt he will continue to guide us through this next part.

Just thought I would share something I found in some of my mom’s papers. She was teaching a ladies Bible study years ago and started the class like this:

“Each of us carries within us life’s greatest promise … new hope for our world. We have the potential to love and be loved; to value ourselves, yet care for others; to develop our unique abilities and talents; and realize that we are people who can change the world for good. Our relationship with God and our commitment to what He says will be the power and wisdom and love that helps us be all He means for us to be.”

Let’s all think about those words today and find ways to change our own worlds for good. Let’s not be afraid to love and be loved. Let’s value ourselves and care for those around us. Let’s develop the best in ourselves and continue shining our own individual light wherever and whenever we can just like my mom did all through the rich, full and fun years of her life. Do it for yourselves, but also do it for Juanita. She will love that! Love to you all.
Radically,
Suzy
P.S. If you want to see a picture of her, you can google Downing & Lahey Mortuary East - Wichita, KS and she will be listed under recent services. You would have loved her ... she made it impossible not to!

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-07-14T08:37:00.000-07:00

My mom died last night. How it all happened was a testimony to God's goodness. She left an absolutely incredible legacy of faith and fun and joy. She prayed that I would be short and have curly hair. I am the only one in my family is short and has curly hair. My brothers are both over six feet. She lived a life of amazing trust that good things are in store for all of us because God loves us so much. When I told my Dad this morning that she hadn't made it through the night, he said, "Bless her heart. She was a miracle in my life." We are all celebrating what she taught all of us about living full out and with boldness and secure that all the big stuff in life was already decided and that our job was just to live every minute as passionately as possible.

Love to you all on this site. God is good. He has good things planned for you. My mom cried tears many times, but I have never known anyone who lived with full expectation that with God everything would turn out just right and her life was a testimony to that knowledge.

I don't know for sure when I can be back on this site. The funeral will probably be Friday. Live your life today with complete joy and trust and faith that your life is unfolding just as it should. And my mom would say, "and remember, I love you from the top of your head to the bottom of your toes."

Love, Suzy

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-07-13T08:27:00.000-07:00

All of these blogs are personal. Maybe too personal. When you go through a midlife divorce and are trying to recover from that change in your life plans, everything seems to become personal. Details of your life that were private all of a sudden become part of the public domain. (That’s one reason I feel such empathy for Jenny Sanford and Elizabeth Edwards.) How would you like for your wasband’s notes to his “soul mate” to be broadcast to total strangers, but worse to be available for your close friends, family and even children to read. My wasband’s communication was not make public, but I felt violated and I felt that everyone must think I am somehow a deficient woman. Just let me say, you are not a terrible woman, but even if you were, your wasband’s actions were selfish, cowardly and embarrassing and say much more about him than about you. But that’s hard to fathom when you are faced with this public airing of the most intimate details of your life. I used to think when I went to a party or anything early on that I was a fraud. I felt like people were wondering what was wrong with me. I tried too hard to validate myself. I tried to be really fun and really caring so people would simply think I was an “okay” person. Those early social forays are the worst, so be patient with yourself if that’s where you are. Be confident, but don’t try too hard. Be pleasant, but don’t act way out of the norm in social interactions. Be yourself. Be your caring, capable, centered self. People will wonder, not what’s wrong with you, but will think, “What in the world is wrong with him?” So just take a deep breath, keep private what needs to be private and then give your friends and family the gift of being personal enough to see your vulnerability. It will give you a chance to share the lessons you are learning and it will give them courage for the private the public challenges they are facing. You have great lessons to teach through this. You can use this challenge for good, for a higher purpose. Don’t miss this opportunity to shine your light for children and family and close friends especially. It may be the time you can make more of an impact for good than any other time in your life.

P.S. To all of you who have expressed concern about my mom and her recent challenges, I will update you tomorrow. She is still very sick. After we see the doctor this morning (hopefully), we will have to make some tough decisions. Pray that we will recognize God’s hand in all of this and turn the parts we need to over to his care. Thank you for thoughts and prayers already given in our behalf.

Suzy

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-07-10T06:35:00.000-07:00

“Living in the present tense meant living like a child, or as I had come to define it, living in the purity of the ticking moment.” Alice Steinbach

Does your midlife divorce have you stuck living in the past instead of grabbing hold of the present moment? If we want to recover, we absolutely have to give up living in the past. We can learn from the past, we can evaluate the past, but we must not live there. If you need to take one whole day or a weekend or an hour or whatever it takes and just think completely about anything in the past you want to. Think about your distant past. (You can always blame your parents!). Or your recent past (You can always blame your wasband!) Or the past in general (You can blame your astrological sign!). Or you can decide not to blame anybody or anything and just accept it. After you spend the time you need to dwell totally on whatever part of the past you want, put it away. Appreciate the lessons you have learned, and then take a deep breath and start living as Alice Steinbach describes it in the "purity of the ticking moment." If you are fully living in the moment, in the now, this very second, you can make it whatever you want. Appreciate it. Revel in it. Do what you want with it. Embrace it. Don’t ruin your present landscape with big boulders from your past life. Don’t waste this moment being afraid of the future. Just live this very instant like you want. Make the choices you want. Love yourself. Do something kind with full awareness. Get completely into cooking something or creating something or planting flowers or reading a book or running through a creek or working. Just grab hold of this glorious present moment and let it completely envelope you however you spend it. Involve all of your senses in appreciating it. Today, all day, be aware of the “purity of the ticking moment.” Don’t let it slip by without noticing the grandeur of it and the blessings in it.

“Seize life! Eat bread with gusto, drink wine with a robust heart. God takes pleasure in your pleasure.” Ecclesiastes 9:7 (The Message)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-07-08T04:55:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up at 4:00 a.m. feeling discouraged and frustrated and did I say discouraged? I fixed a pot of coffee and I did my daily Bible reading which usually has a way of centering me. I whined to God and asked for help (again). I need to clone myself. Yesterday I talked about the freedom to make our own choices. What I didn't talk about was how difficult those choices sometimes are. First of all, my mom, fell night before last and broke her hip. We've worried about something like this. She is 89, my dad is 90. They have been living in their own home with a companion who comes in every weekday. My incredible brother and his amazing wife have the biggest share of checking in on and helping our parents because they live in the same town. I'm three hours away. Mom had surgery last night and is going to be in rehab for several difficult, and I'm sure uncomfortable if not painful weeks. My dad is going downhill faster than we want to admit. It's time for choices. My brother and I decided it would be best for me to come to Wichita on the weekend. By then, visitors would have probably become fewer, and there is a wedding my brother and his family are involved in so I could be most help then. We're going to have to make choices about what to do going forward. My parents definitely need full-time care. We have been putting it off. Now we can't. We have to figure out what to do with all their stuff. And here's another thing: Our family takes a trip to Wyoming every year to fish. For reasons beyond my control, I have missed the last two years and we were planning to go in two weeks. Yesterday, while I was helping my daughter she had all her Wyoming stuff set aside in a pile and she said, "I can't wait for Wyoming." She has two young ones (my grandchildren!) and she can't really make that trip on her own, so none of us can go. I'm sad about it. I'm sad about my mom (and my dad). I'm mad there are so many men who have affairs and destroy marriages. I'm frustrated that I can't seem to figure out how to make enough money doing this business to make it pay for itself. But ... I've still got choices. I am going to cancel my reservations for Wyoming. (I worry about Ev who owns the Mountain View Hotel (a fantastic place) in Centennial ... who might lose much-needed money because she's been holding our rooms for weeks.) I'm going to have to tell my daughter today. I'm going to keep writing letters and books and doing support groups. I'm going to keep working to figure out how to be a business woman. We're going to try to do the best thing for my parents. I think I'm going to go walk around the block and cry a little and then I have to get to work. Things are what they are. I'm sad they are like this, but that doesn't change them. I'll cry and pray and fuss and cry some more and then I'll get busy doing what needs to be done. Love you all. Pray.

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-07-07T07:21:00.000-07:00

"Life is to be spent, not saved." D.H. Lawrence

There are challenges in middle earth ... in that space called midlife, especially if you are dealing with a divorce after a long marriage. In these middle years, you are often facing menopause, an empty nest, having to go back to work, moving. Those are all serious and sometimes scary challenges. But, still, I love this time of life. I have more freedom to make decisions about how I will spend my time. You might be thinking, “After this divorce, I have NO freedom to make the decisions I want to make. I have to find a way to support myself after a lifetime of supporting my wasband in his career and supporting my children in their journey to becoming mature, productive, good and well-balanced adults. I now have to give up many of the benefits of being married and spend my time trying to survive on my own. ” Those thoughts are true, but usually in midlife our children (partly because of our day-to-day efforts and care all these years) are on their way to being mostly self-sufficient. We don’t have to “be available” like we were when they were younger … and which, by the way, I loved. Now, at this stage of life, we can choose to go to night school or to start an online business or to get up early and have an extra cup of coffee before work or to paint the walls in the bedroom the way we want. This time of life has many, many great things about it. Something else I love is the fact that I can share my life and time in so many ways. Volunteering at a children’s center. Having a glass of wine on the deck with my neighbor/girlfriend down the street in the evening. Or like this week … a couple of nights ago I stayed with three of my grandsons so their parents could go to The Shakespeare Festival. (We had a blast!) Today, I’m spending the day helping my daughter who is about to put her house on the market. (We’ll work hard, but we’ll have precious time to talk!) I will have to catch up on my work later, but I love being able to choose how to spend my time. Our children and grandchildren are often the beneficiaries of our new freedom. But we also have the freedom to say, “no, I can’t do that tonight, I have book club or I’m meeting some friends for dinner or even, I have a date!” I know most of us since our divorce now have to work a full-time job, but that still leaves time to spend as we want. Our future is in our own hands. That is frightening – and exhilarating! As we say on the www.radicalwomennetwork.com: Don’t waste this one wild and precious life!

“To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:” Ecclesiastes 3:1 (NKJV)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-07-06T14:38:00.000-07:00

“No other single force is causing as much measurable hardship in this country as the collapse of marriage.” Time magazine; July 13, 2009

Finally, someone in the mainstream media is speaking the truth about infidelity and divorce. In an essay in this week’s Time, Caitlan Flanigan says, “In the e-mails exchanged between the governor and his girlfriend, they trip over themselves to praise the other’s virtues. She was ‘special and unique,’ ‘glorious’; he was a man of emotional generosity who ‘brought happiness and love to my life.’ The two humanitarians were engaged not only in worshipping each other’s high-mindedness but also in destroying another woman’s home, hobbling her children emotionally and setting her up for humiliation of titanic proportion. And so two more American families discover a truth as old as marriage: a lasting covenant between a man and a woman can be a vehicle for the nurture and protection of each other, the one reliable shelter in an uncaring world – or it can be a matchless tool for the infliction of suffering on the people you supposedly love above all others, most of all on your children. How much does this matter? More than words can say. There is no other single force causing as much measurable hardship and human misery in this country as the collapse of marriage. Who is left to ensure that these kids grow up into estimable people once the Mark Sanfords and other marital frauds and casual sadists have jumped ship? The good among us, the ones who are willing to sacrifice the thrill of a love letter for the betterment of their children. ‘His career is not a concern of mine,’ says Jenny Sanford, ‘He’ll be worrying about that, and I’ll be worrying about my family and the character of my children.’” As all of us on this site will as well. Let’s each continue to make the choices we should make for the good of our children and our grandchildren. They need at least one solid, sure, stabilizing influence in the midst of this storm.

“Don’t lose your grip on Love and Loyalty. Tie them around your neck; carve their initials on your heart. Earn a reputation for living well in God’s eyes and the eyes of the people.” Proverbs 3:3-4 (The Message)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-07-03T12:07:00.000-07:00

“Watch. Wait. Time will unfold and fulfill its purpose. While we wait, we must not go unconscious. We must think and grow. Rejoice and dream, kneel and pray.” Marianne Williamson

In the middle of my divorce, sometimes I wanted to just go unconscious. I was in so much pain I was having trouble dealing with the reality of what was happening. While we are trying to recover from a midlife divorce, we are often just washing around in a wild, uncontrolled sea of erratic emotions. Time seems to stop. As we try to see who we are and what our new life is going to be, we often become zombies just trying to survive from day to day. We walk around in a fog of disbelief and disappointment, fear and worry and more sadness than we can assimilate. We are afraid to think very much because we’re afraid we might discover a cave of grief that we can never find our way out of. As hard as it is to realize, this time is very important time. Even as we are overcome with grief, important work is going on. We are growing even though we think our real life has stopped. We slowly learn to rejoice in those very small things that keep us tied to this world because we feel as if all the big things have been destroyed. We definitely are driven to our knees because the earthly solutions have failed and all we know is to fall on our faces and cry out for comfort and some sort of answers to questions we can’t even put into worlds. I know all these things are true because I’ve been there. But I am far enough away from those days that I know the other part of Marianne Williamson’s quote is also true. “Time will unfold and fulfill its purpose.” I think it’s purpose during those early dark days is to give you space to discover who you really are and what your best life is really all about. The lessons you eventually learn, though often agonizingly difficult while in process, make you strong and acutely aware of all the glories and beauties of this journey called “Your life.” Watch and wait. Cry when you need to. Grieve fully. Then your purpose will become clear and your light and your life will be brighter than you ever dreamed.

This weekend watch some fireworks if you can. See yourself in that time after the thump of the send-off … then enjoy the amazing explosion of light and color. That’s going to be you … your new life. Just Watch.

Enjoy the weekend. See you Monday.

"So, my very dear friends, don't get thrown off course. Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light." James 1: 16-17.

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-07-02T08:32:00.000-07:00

“IMPOSSIBLE means that i, an ordinary young woman, can be something special and significant in an enormous, hurting world.” Ann Kiemel, Author of I Love the Word Impossible

Lots of things about a midlife divorce seem impossible. I thought it would be impossible to really be happy again, or to completely heal the hurt in my heart. I thought it would be impossible to ever really laugh again and feel that all things were “right with the world.” I thought it would be impossible to find a future that I was excited about. But all of those things I thought were impossible have become reality and even more. The book above was written in 1971. Around that time, E.E. Cummings made “i” cool. The little “i” symbolized something. Ann Keimel (who also used the small “i”) was an ordinary young single woman with an extraordinary life. She didn’t do anything particularly grand or particularly glorious by the world’s standards, but she changed many, many lives by being aware and being willing to be vulnerable and to not be afraid to love deeply. She felt that true compassion comes by being hurt and then being willing to share comfort and encouragement with others who hurt. Each one of us can be special and significant in this enormous world. Recently we have seen midlife infidelity on the front page of all of our papers and on the evening news. We, of all people, can identify with what Jenny Sanford is going through. We might not be able to do anything specifically to help her, but we can do something real and meaningful and specific to help our elderly neighbor, or our friend whose son is having trouble at school, or a child who is discouraged, or anyone who needs a bright, engaging smile. This is an enormous, hurting world. We are learning things through our own divorce recovery struggles that will allow us to be particularly significant to others who are hurting. One of our basic needs as humans is to have meaning. You are learning lessons of significance, now. Don’t waste what you learn. Share your comfort and encouragement with others. That kind of significance will always be of incredible value to the people you meet in this enormous, hurting world.

“ … with man this is impossible, but with God, all things are possible.” Matt. 19:26 (NIV)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-07-01T07:58:00.000-07:00

“This was a whole lot more than a simple affair, this was a love story.” Statement by Mark Sanford reported in the Wall Street Journal this morning.

If it weren’t so pathetic, that statement would make me laugh. Because I spend 12-14 hours a day helping midlife women who are picking up the pieces after divorces caused by men like Mark Sanford, his statement above makes me want to throw up. First of all, there is no such thing as a simple affair. It sounds like Mark had a few “simple” affairs as he calls them as well as his suddenly not-so-simple affair with Ms. Chapur. Maybe a simple affair is when you screw someone you’re not married to and just mess up her life and her children’s lives and go on your merry way. Maybe “simple” affairs are those one-night stands in motels or fancy hotels when you’re out of town and you don’t get caught. Then, I guess there are the affairs like Sandford's latest. You call home and talk to the kids and check in with the wife then you meet someone at the bar or an "open-air dance spot" and after a few Margaritas you start creating your soul mate. “Like I just love her sooooo much….like she’s my soul mate like we talked for four hours on the phone and we sneak behind the bleachers and kiss and she has texted me 20 times already this morning… like I’m going to quit school and run away with her because her parents don’t approve and we’ll be so happy even if we have to live in a trailer and even if I never see my parents again ….” Isn’t that the feeling you get? It’s almost comedic how many of these men, say things like Mark Sanford said and do ridiculous things like he did. Leaving work undone at the office for a “quickie” in the back seat of the car. Calling on the phone dozens of times a day. Putting wives, children, careers and every honorable thing in the trash for this “fix” to their inflated egos. I’m sorry, but reading this sorry saga keeps making me depressed. And the women who are the mistresses are embarrassing, too. But they both will continue to say, “This is my soul mate. This is my true love.” Then after the fake glow wears off, if they get married they divorce at a rate of 3 out of 4. Then they are on to a new “light of their lives” while wives and children who are left behind try to figure out how to rebuild the rest of their lives after this humiliation. Here’s one thing I want to say. If this is how your wasband behaved, you deserve better. Even if you never re-marry, it will be better than living with a self-absorbed person like this. And you will find that there are men who know what a real “love story” is. A real love story is making choices every single day for the good of the person you say you love. Grieve the loss of your dreams. Grieve the challenges your children will face. Then put your head up and your shoulders back and create the new life you deserve.

"But a man who commits adultery lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself." Proverbs 6:32 (NIV)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-06-30T11:46:00.000-07:00

“No fear. No distractions. The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide."-Fight Club (The Movie)

One of the benefits of a midlife divorce is that often you have a chance to get really close to your children. Yes, they see you at your worst. Yes, you have to apologize and ask for forgiveness for some of your more ridiculous behavior. But there forms a bond that shows your true colors to your children and lets them know how much you love them. (That’s one more reason to constantly think about the legacy you are leaving them. What will they learn about you and about life through this? When the going gets really tough, will they see you practicing what you’ve been preaching all these years? Will your love and forgiveness and confidence shine or will you stay bitter and angry and hurt for longer than you should?) Those are all scary questions, but questions your behavior will answer, nonetheless. But last night, my youngest son took me out to dinner and a movie – a delayed mother’s day gift. Dinner was relaxed and delicious with easy but enlightening talk about what was going on in each of our lives and what new projects we were working on. The movie “Away We Go” was perfect for this particular night. It had an entertaining, (hilarious at times), but serious look at some of life’s big questions to ponder and discuss … questions about commitment and relationships ... and there were tears. But it was just a really a great night. At one point during dinner this handsome, bright, fun 24-year-old young man who happens to be my son, summarized one of his favorite quotes from Fight Club. He said, “One of man’s greatest abilities is to let that which does not matter truly slide.” How true! How good that he’s learning that concept much earlier than I did. I learned that through my divorce. I could have saved myself lots of tears and heartache and useless fretting and agonizing if I had just let more things slide instead of trying so hard to manage and hang on to things that didn’t matter. If I had let them go I would have had more energy and attention to give those things that truly did matter. “Out of the mouth of babes,” as they say. If you have a son or daughter or some other close young person you can spend an evening with, do it. It’s a refreshing pleasure, and you both have wisdom to share.

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-06-29T06:21:00.000-07:00

“She said that faith is not about how we feel; it is about how we live.” Anne Lamott; Plan B

Regardless of our specific spiritual path, attempting to live right is about making choices. That is true even if our wasband made choices that changed our family. That is true if we are in the middle of that heartbreaking journey of midlife divorce. If our “wasband” left our family for another woman (no matter how exotic she was!), we still have choices to make. We are still called to act with integrity no matter what anyone else is doing. Mark Sandford made unbelievably bad choices. He will pay the consequences. But here’s the thing: We will also be held accountable for the choices we make. We are still called to “do the right thing,” ourselves. That’s the cool (but challenging) thing about faith. We each have the freedom to make the right choice every time regardless of what those around us are doing. The true measure of our faith is if it makes a difference in the way we live and the joy we discover during our brief stay on this planet. During the good times and during the terrible times. If we choose to follow The Ten Commandments or the Golden Rule or precepts from Islam or Buddhism, that faith should make life better for us and for those around us. If our faith does not bring joy and fulfillment and true happiness for ourselves and those we come in contact with, then those “religious” teachings aren’t much good. The end result of faith should be among other things, peace and joy and love. But those things come not by just having faith, but by actually living a life of moral excellence the best we can. And moral excellence cannot include things like killing another person, stealing what isn’t ours, sleeping with another person’s spouse, hurting our children, giving up, being selfish. No matter what spiritual path you are on, think about this: Are these precepts and teachings I’m trying to follow making life on this earth better? If not, is it because the teachings are flawed or is it because I am not really loving God or loving other people and powerfully, confidently living the Truth every day? Another thing. Goodness always wins. Maybe not immediately, but goodness always wins. Doing right will always bring joy and peace and a life more abundant than we can even imagine. So today, keep making those good choices in spite of the storm going on around you. You’ll be utterly amazed at how incredible your life will be regardless of the bad choices others around you may be making.

“So make every effort to apply the benefits of these promises to your life. Then your faith will produce a life of moral excellence. A life of moral excellence leads to knowing God better.” 2 Peter 1:5 (The Living Bible)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-06-27T06:52:00.000-07:00

What I’m saying is not the politically correct thing to say. I know I will be accused of being bitter and angry and not accepting my own divorce after 33 years of marriage. But after working for almost 10 years to help women who have been married to men like Mark Sandford, I am discouraged.

Mark Sandford’s excursion to Argentina for his adulterous affair is confirmation that men who behave like this have no clue about the true fallout of their actions. These affairs and the divorce that usually follows are not only devastating for his wife and children and his mistress’s family, but they have become a threat to the stability of our society and our country. (and not just because he left his state with no one in control while he was in the arms of his lover in Argentina.)

Here is a man, like John Edwards, Bill Clinton, the recent politician from Utah, and others like them who are selfish and self-centered and don’t have the decency or the guts to just say to their wives and children, “Let me out of this family, this marriage, so I can go screw around with someone (exotic) who really likes me... who really understands me.” (Who by the way, may have a family of her own that will be affected as well.)

I’m sure some psychologists will say, “Now. Now. There are always two sides to every story. She needs to take responsibility for her part in this.” But the simple fact is, these men in power make a thoughtful choice to have these tawdry affairs. Even if his wife is the worst wife in the world, he should go to her and say, “This marriage isn’t working for me. Let’s fix it or I want out.” No one forces infidelity. It’s a cowardly and defining choice a man makes.

I’m sorry. But I’m tired of it. Every new revelation of infidelity is distressing because I know what the wife and the family are facing. That picture of those four boys … with the oldest one looking admiringly at his Dad makes my heart hurt. What lessons is Sandford teaching? And Sandford’s appearance with his red eyes saying he had been crying for five days in Argentina … (What, with his head in his girlfriend’s lap and her comforting him about having to give each other up because it’s the respectable thing to do?)

Was Sandford crying because he had to give up “his true soul mate” to protect his image? Who wants a man who really wants to be in someone else’s bed? Who wants a man who comes back for his political future or his reputation or for some sense of duty? I didn’t want that, and I’m sure Sandford’s wife doesn’t want that either.

Where is character? Where is courage and goodness and decency? What kind of embarrassing men are these? Where is their desire to protect their wife and children and be their best for them? Do these men lose that desire with the rush of the secret meetings, the lying and sneaking around in the dark?

If Mark Sandford doesn’t have a true “Come to Jesus” moment and understand, make amends for what he’s done and take real, concrete steps to correct it, then this is what will happen in that family: There will be a divorce. Houses will be sold. Kids relocated. There will be anguish and agony and tears all around. Every single holiday and family celebration will be complicated. Children will have to adjust to new schedules and sharing parents. As children are trying to develop into good, strong adults they will be coping with a father who thinks more about his own desires than the good of his family. They will be adjusting to new step-parents and siblings. They will keep trying to do the right thing and make the best of it. But in truth, hearts are broken in the worst ways.

They find out the one man they trusted more than any other is not the man they thought. They learn these things about their father: He cares more about his own lusts and shallow satisfactions than he does about their good. He cares more about fulfilling his own fleeting desires than he cares about protecting their hearts. He cares more about his own fantasy of being a cool, irresistible guy than he cares about being the best father he can be which means, among other things, loving their mother.

The children will wonder if they caused it somehow … if they could have prevented it. The losses cannot be counted. It’s as much about the losses of trust and confidence and security as much as anything. Something they thought was solid, suddenly is not. It undermines their world view that there are some things they can trust no matter what.

And society will continue pretending “this is no big deal. Movie stars and producers will keep glamorizing affairs. Best selling books will keep having their disillusioned characters climbing into bed with people who are married to someone else to have their true love fulfilled. Society will sigh and say …. “lots of kids deal with divorce; there’s nothing we can do; it's no big deal.” Culture will foster the false notions:, “do what feels good; forget about keeping promises; being a good father is not that important. Families are disposable. Kids will be alright.”

How about if we as a society start supporting truths like “love the wife of your youth,” like the Bible says? How about encouraging and finding joy and fun in your own home and with your own family and friends. How about teaching doing the right, good thing because that’s really the best way to live and because that kind of life really brings the most joy.

It’s time for us as parents and as voters and as consumers and as members of this “Family of Man,” to make a stand for doing the right thing. Let’s promote living the “Good Life.” Not just the good life financially or by the things we buy, but by the way we live. Let’s honor the promises we make in every relationship. Let’s be careful with our choices especially in matters of the heart. The future of our children and our country depends on it. A life of doing right is a fun, fulfilling, good, adventurous and love-filled way to live. When we live that way, we will discover that we won’t need to sneak around in the dark to find the joy and completeness we are seeking. If we are living right, those things will find us on their own.

Suzy Brown
President, Midlife Divorce Recovery, LLC
816-941-4911
www.midlifedivorcerecovery.com
Author, Radical Recovery: Transforming the Despair of Your Divorce Into An Unexpected Good.
Upcoming Book: If He Said ‘Til Death Do Us Part, Why Is He Still Alive?

I give midlife women the tools to heal from their
“wasband’s infidelity and the divorce that usually follows. I help them create a new vision for their future after divorce. I help them see that there is a plan for their lives after divorce and it can be more beautiful than they can even imagine!

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-06-25T05:29:00.001-07:00

Moonjar picture from inhabitat.com.

“My forum "membership" is due for renewal and I'll re-up, in part because I'm not 100% over this, but also I want to be part of this community and maybe hold the lantern halfway across the valley! Thanks gals and Ms. Frisky/Suzy. We can do this!” SarahDogwood on the RadicalWomenNetwork.com Forum

There are some very good women on the RadicalWomenNetwork.com Forum and some very good writers and lots of great encouragers. But I loved SarahDogwood’s visual image of being well on her way to recovery, but still wanting to be part of the community and “maybe holding the lantern halfway across the valley!” It’s so amazing to me that when someone gets through this storm, they want to help others with lessons they have learned. Women are like that. That was my motivation, too. I did some ridiculous things that not only didn’t help me get to where I wanted to be, but actually set me back. I discovered some things that absolutely did not do anything good for my life. I developed a passion to pass those lessons along so that others didn’t make the same mistakes I made. You’ll make mistakes of your own. You’ll learn some lessons the hard way, too. But by all of us sharing and encouraging and teaching and “holding the lantern” for others just starting out on the journey, we all grow and get better … the ones needing the light and the ones holding the light, too. There is always someone farther along in life to light our way. Be one of those people for your R.A.D.I.C.A.L. sisters who are going through this. Be that light to your children and family and friends and even strangers. You are learning more than just about divorce through this journey. You are learning lessons about creating a more rich and beautiful life in general. And those lessons are definitely worth sharing.

Thanks to you all for holding the lantern for each other.

“It started when God said, ‘Light up the darkness!’ and our lives filled up with light as we saw and understood God in the face of Christ, all bright and beautiful.” 2 Corinthians 4:6 (The Message)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-06-23T12:33:00.000-07:00

“It is always important to know what is and what is not your business.” Gertrude Stein

In my midlife divorce and the recovery that followed, so many things suddenly became my business that hadn’t been my business before. I had to start doing things my wasband had always done. I also thought it was my business to fix everything for everyone. And of course, it seemed to be my business to figure out why my wasband decided to leave our marriage and have a girlfriend. While we were still married and trying to figure out financial and custody and many, many other issues, I thought his business was still my business and to a certain extent it was. But once all of those decisions are over and your divorce is final, he is not your business any more. His business is not your business. Your business is you and your new life. I went to a women’s business meeting this morning and the topic was "Reframing the Way We Think about Work/Life Balance." That’s where the Gertrude Stein quote above came from. If your divorce is final, quit worrying about him and what he is doing or what he and his girlfriend are doing or how ridiculous he’s acting. He is not your business any more. Period. Even for those of you who have to deal with sharing younger children, what they do at his house is pretty much his business unless of course it is blatantly or seriously harmful to them. You have to let it go. After a long marriage, it’s hard, but you have to give him up. Completely. When we don’t do that, we become, like the speaker this morning said, “psychic sponges.” We soak up everyone else’s problems and pain. What you need to concentrate on right now is yourself and your own future and creating the life you want. He is not your business anymore. You are your business. So … today, let's all start “takin’ care of business” … our own.

“Stay calm; mind your own business; do your own job.” 1 Thessalonians 4:11 (The Message)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-06-22T06:45:00.000-07:00

“As so often happens when the hand of God is shaping our lives, light came out of darkness.” Gene Shelberne; Expect the Light

There has been a lot of pain and suffering (as well as encouragement and hope) on the radicalwomennetwork.com Forum the last few days. Father’s Day is often hard for women going through divorce. Usually the children are with their father, our wasbands. They are usually all together doing something fun. My children and grandchildren were with their dad at the baseball game and then at his country club for swimming and dinner. I connected with them all in some way during the day or the day before and told them how proud I am of the fathers they are. It’s been 10 years since my divorce, and I still get a little twinge about father’s day. I think so often we, the mothers, helped make father’s day good for our wasbands. Early on, we encouraged the kids to draw pictures, helped them make the breakfasts, bought the presents. Fathers are important to children and we all know that in our heads, but it still doesn’t seem quite right when we aren’t all together celebrating that important relationship. And that relationship has been forever changed. Our wasbands, if they left the marriage for another relationship, are now being father to another woman’s children most of the time, and it seems our own kids sometimes have to squeeze in when they can or at least have to share time which is the way it has to be when new families are formed. Then our own fathers are often deprived of their grandchildren on father’s day after our divorce. Divorce would not happen in a perfect world. But it does happen as much as we try to prevent it. But what all the women going through this in the here and now have to remember is that your job is to continually trust God to bring you (and your children) through the darkness of this divorce. Keep doing the right thing. Keep shining God’s light. Keep praying that your children will learn important lessons through this. Keep giving your children the freedom to have a relationship with the man who rejected you. That’s a powerful lesson. It’s hard, but it’s the right thing to do. Your children will eventually have to make their own choices and their own decisions about their father. And he will be in overdrive trying to prove what a good father he is. Just expect and accept that. You have survived the day. You have made the best of it for everyone concerned. I’m sure your children are feeling at some level, the strains of new relationships and trying their best to navigate them as they should. All I can tell you is that God is working even through all this darkness, hurt and readjustment that’s going on. Believe that. Keep as Gene Shelberne says, “Expecting the light.” It will come if you continue to do your best to do right. God promises it.

“The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light. For those who lived in a land of deep shadows --- light! sunbursts of light!” Isaiah 9:2

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-06-18T08:27:00.000-07:00

“There is no right way to do a wrong thing.” Anonymous

In the middle of a midlife divorce there are lots of “wrong things” going on. For one thing, if your situation is like mine, I admit I did wrong things in our marriage. I’ve apologized and asked forgiveness for anything I did that I thought might have hurt my wasband, and I tried not to do anything purposely that I knew would harm him or our relationship. You might have done that, too. Then suddenly there are these GIANT wrong things that show up. Affairs, lying, broken promises, disregarded for children and family and friends, a willing destruction of good growing families. There is no right way to do those kinds of wrong things. I realize these words are not politically correct to say. But I have seen too many midlife women who would have done anything to save their marriage, but their wasbands were determined to go ahead and do all those wrong things regardless of the devastating results. Having said all of that, we have to make sure we, ourselves, are not doing wrong things now. Selfishness, ugliness, hate, revenge, bitterness, rage are all wrong things and there are no right ways to “do” them. The right things regardless of the circumstances are always love and joy and peace and goodness (and yes, even forgiveness) and an honest desire to shine God’s light and live God’s way with everyone … even with our wasband and his girlfriend or his new wife. Those are all right things and we are not only encouraged, but commanded to do them. And the truth of the matter is, doing right things always, always, always brings good into our lives. Remember that irreversible law of sowing and reaping. So today and forever, be strong and keep on doing the honest, right things minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day. Stand boldly for righteousness and choose right living always. That’s the right way to do the right thing. You will be blessed for it. Your children will be blessed because of it. You will find joy again because of it --- more than you can even imagine or hope for. That’s God’s promise.

And let us not get tired of doing what is right, for after a while we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t get discouraged and give up. Galatians 6:9 (TLB)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-06-17T06:50:00.000-07:00

“As times get tougher, complaining is starting to look more like a blood sport than a coping mechanism.” Elizabeth Bernstein, Bonds, Wall Street Journal, June 16, 2009

"Misery Poker" is the title of a column in the Wall Street Journal from yesterday. If you’re on the road of midlife divorce recovery, you know more than you ever wanted to know about misery. The premise of Elizabeth Bernstein in the article mentioned above is that more and more people are complaining about their lot in life. We one-up a friend or acquaintance who mentions she's had a hard day, or her job is terrible, or her spouse is clueless. In our case, our situation is awful, horrendous, and in our opinion, worse than the situation of just about anyone we come in contact with. Married friends complain their husband won’t take out the trash. Friends complain that they have to give up their weekly manicure. We think to ourselves, “If they had any idea of what I’m facing, they wouldn’t be complaining! My wasband is taking his girlfriend to the Bahamas instead of me, I have to: sell my house, try to find a job to make ends meet, tell my kids we don't have money for college this fall, take care of absolutely everything myself," and on and on and on. In the middle of this unwanted journey, we have a right to complain and we can complain all we want to our therapist or a divorce recovery coach or a close friend or family member. But just for today let’s listen to everyone else’s tale of woe and then reply with an encouraging thought or a suggestion of gratitude for something instead of saying, “You think that’s bad, listen to what I’ve been going through!” Let’s just stop the cycle of complaining for today and say only uplifting, good, positive words. Let’s see what a difference that makes. Make a choice just for today to only say things that build others (and ourselves) up. Let’s all calmly lay down our cards in the Misery Poker game and politely “Pass.”

“Do everything without complaining and arguing so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation in which you shine like stars in the universe…” Philippians 2:14-15

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-06-16T06:33:00.000-07:00

“But lately, given the state of the world, stress is becoming our default mode.” Elizabeth Bernstein, BONDS, Wall Street Journal June 16, 2009.

Everybody is stressed out these days. And if you’re going through a midlife divorce, stress is multiplied big time. I saw a survey recently that said 33% of the 500 kids (ages six – 11) surveyed think the world will not exist by the time they are adults. People are losing jobs. Savings are disappearing. And then of course the media tends to make every possible disaster scarier than they need to. Add to those worries, the worries of midlife divorce. Can I support myself? Will I always feel this sad ache in my heart? Am I going to be alone the rest of my life? Will I ever laugh again? What am I going to do about the house? I know this list of worries sounds like it came from the book, “How to make yourself miserable,” but the truth is, we don’t have to look far to see lots of people in a constant state of unease with panic hiding just below the surface. But here’s another truth: This divorce you’re going through can teach you how to deal with stress. Remember, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” Instead of just simmering in a stew of stress, learn what helps combat stress. Here are 4 simple steps that can help. 1. Goal Setting: What is my goal? Where do I want to end up? 2. Mental Rehearsal: Practice seeing yourself being successful in reaching your goal. Use techniques that have worked before. 3. Positive Self-Talk: Don’t trash talk to yourself. Get rid of all “I’m doomed” self talk. Change it to, “I can do this; I will build an amazing new life.” 4. Practice Body Control: Breathe deeply. Exercise. Recognize stress triggers and do something physical to combat them. Those are four simplified, but effective, steps to help you face stress today. After you are transformed because of what you learn because of this divorce, you will be able to handle any stress that comes your way. Life is a constant learning process. Appreciate what you are learning through the stresses you conquer.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6 (NIV)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-06-15T06:34:00.000-07:00

“Jonathan Seagull discovered that boredom and fear and anger are the reasons that a gull’s life is so short, and with these gone from his thought, he lived a long, fine life indeed.” From Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach

On the journey of midlife divorce recovery, fear and anger are definitely big players. And even though boredom doesn’t come to mind in that equation immediately, we often are bored and dissatisfied with our lives as well. We try to just “make the best of” our new situation. If you have a chance, go pick up a copy of the classic Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach. I read it first back in the 70’s when my marriage was young. I loved it then. It inspired me then. And on re-reading it, I was inspired all over again. The gist of the story is that Jonathan was no ordinary gull. He didn’t want to be just part of the flock who spent his whole life flapping and screeching and fighting for little bits of food every day, all day with no adventure at all. I don’t want that either. I want my life, especially now, to be an adventure. I want my new life to be an exciting, amazing expedition to experiment and explore … even if all those new things happen right in my own hometown. The adventure I want is the courage to try new things. To see what the Almighty God of the Universe wants to do with me. You know he has promised us a life beyond all we can imagine or dream. Does that mean just making do and surviving (though that’s important in the beginning!)? I don’t think so. I think what will bring us joy and fun and excitement is letting go of fear and anger and boredom. Let’s all try our wings like Jonathan today. Fly higher than we’ve ever flown before. Have that secret of our great adventure in our gut. We can experience it anew every single day! The adventure can be found in your office, at home, at the grocery store. The adventure comes in seeing even our everyday encounters as part of our new and potential-filled life. Step away from the flock today, embrace your new opportunities and have the courage to FLY!

“Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life burgeons!
2 Corinthians 5:17 (The Message)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-06-12T05:56:00.000-07:00

“Friendship seems to be the key, however, to a longer, happier life.” Tony Woodlief; Wall Street Journal, Friday June 12, 2009

The last few days, I’ve been catching up on posts on the radicalwomennetwork.com site. The women on the Forum there are women in midlife who are going through divorce. There is an instant bond among the women on that site. We share common hurts and provide uncommon support and encouragement. There is fun and joy on there, too. New houses to celebrate. Classes completed. New jobs started. Sadness is eased by sharing and learning how someone on the site overcame something similar. There is an article by Tony Woodlief in this morning’s Wall Street Journal about friendships and how women are usually better at maintaining intimacy through conversation and communication. Men bond by doing things together. So networks such as the RadicalWomenNetwork create real friendships because we “Talk.” (and talk and talk!) The article entitled “Ya Gotta Have (Real) Friends,” also has this to say: “With modern communication devices women can do more talking than ever, no matter where they live or how busy their lives become.” That’s the great part about the RadicalWomenNetwork. No matter what time of the day or night, you can post a comment in the forum from the comfort of your home or office, and before long several women have joined the conversation. I’m proud of everyone on that site. I am figuring out how and when we can all get together in the flesh and connect on a physical level after months of connecting through our hearts and minds and spirits and conversations online. Keep up the good work (and stay tuned for how we can take these friendships we’ve developed to the next level.) By the way, Mr. Woodlief also says “women with the most friends lived 22% longer than those with the fewest number.” Join the RadicalWomenNetwork and find instant friends. All of that sharing we do on the radicalwomennetwork site is like taking our own personal ‘long life’ vitamin every day. “Talk” to you soon, friend … sister … fellow traveler on the road to a bright new life!

“Laugh with your happy friends when they’re happy; share tears when they’re down.”
Romans 12:15 (The Message)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-06-11T07:33:00.000-07:00

“At the moment you’re tempted to put your arms around all of that stuff and try desperately to hold on because you think those touchable, tangible belongings might somehow keep your life from flying apart. They don’t.” Radical Recovery by Suzy Brown

With so many of the R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women moving this summer, and with many of us de-cluttering for the cleaner, less stuffy, more open time of year, let’s remind ourselves that stuff is just stuff. I know at the beginning of a midlife divorce and trying to recover from and survive that ordeal, stuff is more important than it should be. I personally think going through all of your years of accumulated belongings is one of the worst parts of the process. The physical separating of actual, tangible things drives home the fact that our marriage is really over. I have told you before that the first day we tried to do that, I just was not emotionally ready to face it, so we rescheduled for a day the next week. But I want to tell you from this far out (almost 10 years) that honestly … truly … those things should be the least of your concerns. Unless you have expensive, family heirlooms that need to be rescued and distributed, the rest can all be replaced. And much of it you will discover you don’t want to replace. It was actually a relief and a release to get my wasband’s stuff out of my daily view. The things I hated to part with were the crystal wine goblets that I gave him as a present every year on our anniversary for several years. I loved the feel of those in my hands. I hated to part with favorite comfy pieces of furniture or holiday decorations. But as both of my brothers said to me that day, “Remember, it’s just stuff.” Before you separate your stuff, go to an estate sale after someone has died. I’m sure all of that stuff was important to those people, too. Now it can be had for a fraction of it’s value, and what doesn’t sell will be taken to Good Will. If we measure our own self worth on all the “Things” we have, no matter how nice they are, we are completely on the wrong path. Believe me when I say, there is a freedom that comes with getting rid of things. The less we depend on things for our own sense of value, the richer and more blessed we will be. So in all of your giving up of things, see the new life and freedom that comes with letting them go.

Then He [Jesus] said to them, "Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a mans life does not consist of the abundance of his possessions." Luke 12:15 (NIV)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-06-09T12:21:00.000-07:00

“Grief is itself a medicine.” ~William Cowper, Charity

Someone typed those words "Divorce Recovery Fast!" into google and they ended up at the www.midlifedivorcerecovery.com site. I know how she feels. I wish it were that easy. Many of the tips and resources available at our site will indeed make recovery easier and faster, but that’s still not very fast in real days and hours. In fact, when you are in the middle of any kind of grieving, the hours seem to sludge along minute by long, lonely minute. I felt so horrible in those early days of my own divorce recovery that I thought to myself that if I didn’t get better pretty quick I might actually die! Every single day for a while I would try to just make it until I could get back in bed again and sob through the quiet, dark night. I think that’s the nature of grief. There’s no hurrying it along. You have to go through it. It’s not grieving if you just sail through it without any agony and despair. The thing is, once you do that real gut-wrenching grieving for what you’ve lost, you can at some point dry your eyes and build on a strong, solid foundation. If you never really grieve, you haven’t done the cleansing work that you have to do and you always stay on a foundation of jello, and you’re never quite able to move on like you should. For more help with the grief process, go to the www.midlifedivorcerecovery.com home page and click on the information about R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Grieving: The grief of divorce. That e-Book will give you the tools and the permission to grieve like you should. What you learn won’t make your divorce recovery fast, but the process will be faster and more liberating than it might be without that help.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Psalm 34:18 (NIV)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-06-08T14:11:00.000-07:00

Learning to enjoy weddings again is part of the recovery after your midlife divorce. Early on in my own recovery journey, I had a terrible time with weddings. As I was sitting in the church at any wedding, all I could think about was my own wedding and how those vows didn’t mean anything to my wasband and how sad I was about the end of my own marriage. I was in Wichita this weekend for my nephew’s wedding and believe it or not, I was focused on his experience instead of my own the whole weekend and that’s real progress. I didn’t think of my own first marriage at all until I started writing this blog today. All of the festivities on Saturday went off without a hitch except when the flower girl started crying (loudly) and refusing to leave the stage with the ring bearer. And the rehearsal dinner (my favorite part) was hopeful and full of all kinds of great toasts and warm wishes from both families. I’m telling you this to remind you that you will heal from this hurt you’re feeling now. Family gatherings will once again bring joy instead of heartache. It takes a while for you to reach that place and weddings are one of the most difficult, but you will get there. One thing I should mention is that my wasband wasn’t there. I’m sure the next wedding that includes both of us will have to be reckoned with, but for now I’m rejoicing in the fact that I could actually attend a wedding of any kind without mourning for myself. The thing that used to make me mad was that all during the journey of recovery I would feel as though I had made progress then I would have to readjust to something else … traveling alone, taking care of the yard, doing the taxes, going to weddings. Just remember that each one of those hurdles you come to and get over, the stronger you become. The more resilient you become. The more sensitive you become to life in all of its crazy glory. Be mad at the adjustments you have to make along the way, but make them anyway. Pretty soon, you will be able to handle anything at all that life throws at you, and handle it with grace and peace and even laughter and joy like at weddings. I know you have a hard time believing that from where you are, but it’s true. Weddings, like the rest of your life, will become happy and hopeful again.

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-06-05T06:31:00.000-07:00

Okay all you midlife R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women who are Rising Above Divorce in Confidence and Love!!!! I’m going to “take one” for the group. As I was watching the news this morning as I made my bed, I heard about “AN AMAZING NEW PRODUCT” that I’m going to try out for all of us midlife women whose necks are starting to sag a little (MINE!). This “REVOLUTIONARY NEW ADVANCEMENT” lets you pick up that sagging chin line with just a few minutes exercise a day with their new NECKLINE SLIMMER! And it’s ONLY $19.99! So, I will order one and see if my in-house accountant will let me write it off as a business expense (new product testing for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women!) The energetic spokesman said I would start to see AMAZING RESULTS in just two weeks. I will keep you updated. Seriously, I heard a Woman speak on a CD I got about successful women, and she said the number one reason women don’t move forward faster is that they don’t invest in themselves (in the right things). She told the story of a woman who said she could not afford to enroll in a class about implementing your ideas into profit. On further questioning, the woman said she spent more than $2000 a month (can you imagine!!??) on beauty shops, spas, nail treatments and makeup! Now, especially with money being tighter, we need to think carefully about how we spend our money. I’m willing to make my own coffee and add a little caramel ice cream topping and a dollop of whipped cream and save what it costs to get a caramel mocha latte on the way to an appointment so that I can afford programs that will actually help me move forward in the world. The expert on the CD said that most women have been trained to always spend on other people first. At this point in our lives when we are in midlife divorce recovery, we deserve to invest in ourselves in every way that will make us move forward physically, mentally, spiritually and financially. I’ve decided that I’m going to give RADICAL Women more information on being successful financially in the near future. Money isn’t everything, and our attitude about money is more important than how much we have, but having enough money to spread around like we want would be a wonderful thing. And if the new NECKLINE SLIMMER is as AMAZING as the guy on TV said, maybe I can buy them in bulk and offer them to R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women at a discount. STAY TUNED!

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-06-04T06:08:00.000-07:00

“Because we serve a great and powerful God who is able to work all things together for good, our past does not have to hinder us. The thing that determines whether it will be a curse or a blessing is our attitude.” My brother, Woody.

Today is my brother Woody’s birthday. He died two years ago. This morning, I wondered what kind of existence Woody is experiencing right now. I’m sure he knows the fullness of love and truth that he explored in his life. The following blog is taken directly from Woody’s notes for one of his Sunday morning classes at the Greenwich Road Church of Christ. The people who were privileged to sit in on his class were treated to spiritual ideas and thoughts that stretched their own thinking. His class was never ordinary. Each time I was there I came away with a renewed sense of hope because of being a child of this incredible, unbelievable, unexplainable God that we serve. I was also always encouraged not to just talk about the Father/Son/Spirit-centered life, but to experience a taste of the freedom and power and joy that comes from attempts to live out that truth every day.

“God’s plan for each of us is utterly realistic as well as good. It embraces all of our past, from year zero to now, including the ways people have failed us or mistreated us. Before we existed, God foresaw our opportunities and misfortunes, our advantages and disadvantages, our strengths and shortcomings, our aptitudes and handicaps, our successes and failures. He knew before time began the ways we would resist him and the ways we would yield; the days, years and decades we would waste, and the ones we would invest well. The whole drama of our lives has always been in his mind. So in his planning, he has woven in all eventualities. Before time began, he knew how he could use for good each negative chapter or paragraph of our lives. As we yield to him, he transforms them (often in unexpected ways) into something beautiful and useful. Even when we must continue to reap what we have sown in the past, he incorporates those consequences into our life story in ways that glorify him and enrich us.

Whatever our past, the profitable way to view God’s plan is “from now on.” I can choose his best for this moment and trust him to guide me into his perfect will from now on.”

“That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. God new what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son.” Romans 8:28-29 (The Message)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-06-03T05:31:00.000-07:00

Okay, all you R.A.D.I.C.A.L Women out there. I got this from a R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Woman in Tennessee and just wanted to pass it along. I will also be sending it hopefully this afternoon to anyone who signed up on the www.midlifedivorcerecovery.com site for midlife divorce recovery tips. (If I can figure out my new mail blaster program. (sigh) Anyway, here is the message: Hopefully it can help someone else. And thanks to Joyce for passing this along!

"The reason I am writing is to let you know about an opportunity we have in Memphis that might also be available in other areas. There is stimulus money for education that is available for displaced homemakers. There are grants for up to $8000 over a two year period for training.

When I was filling out the FAFSA for my sons education, I discovered that I was a displaced parent b/c I am no longer being supported by a spouse, have tried to find a job and have been unable to get one. Last week, I received an email from a networking group that mentioned the stimulus money. In our state, there is a huge amount of money that must be allocated before the end of June or it simply goes back to the federal government. I have now gone to a meeting about it, met with the Tennessee career center, and taken the TABE (Test of Adult Basic Education) which basically determines if one comprehends what they read and is able to do basic math. My next step is to attend a "Create Your Future" workshop which is a 6 hour interactive opportunity to help me plan for my success. I do have a degree that I got over 30 years ago but this area no longer appeals to me and I need to obtain different skills for the job market today. This opportunity will allow me to get training, certification and placement in a new field. As I learned from one of the meetings, this will allow me a new start.

As with any government program, there is PAPERWORK and it will require a lot of work on my part researching the area I want to go in to and convincing the board why I need this training. However, the money is FREE to use.

I know there are many women who have suddenly found themselves separated/divorced, with very little skills for todays job market. I thought you might want to mention this to those who you counsel. I don't know if there is money left in all states and if the criteria is the same. Here the money is available to those who have lost their job, or might be employeed but do not make more than $11.35 and hour based on a 30 hr week, and the previous mentioned scenario.

I just wanted to pass on this information in case it might give someone else hope of a brighter future. If you have any questions, call (901-382-7543 or 901-412-6619) or email me at joyce4maryk@bellsouth.net.

Joyce Bellamy

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-06-01T07:12:00.000-07:00

“We read advice and then instead of taking action, we take comfort.”
You, Inc. by Harry and Christine Beckwith

Okay. You’re stuck in the doldrums of your midlife divorce. You’ve been struggling with recovery from that trauma for weeks and months and even years. You’re sad and mad that your life has not turned out the way it should. You’re frustrated that this transition is taking so long. We all want someone to tell us how to get through this. I’ve been where you are and the fact is, no one can make you change. We can get all the tips in the world about what will bring life-enhancing change, but unless each of us takes actions to change, nothing changes. For example exercising will really help with recovery. We all know that, so somehow we think just knowing it will make things better. WE HAVE TO DO IT! We have to actually get our walking shoes on and get out there and walk to make that advice profitable. I’ve just been rereading the book You, Inc. -- a great book for anyone to read even though it’s directed somewhat to the business world. The subtitle is The Art of Selling Yourself. Some of us need to sell ourselves TO ourselves. In the middle of divorce after a long marriage especially, we have to change not only how and what we think about ourselves, but we have to do things that move us to an incredible new life. Thinking about change is easy and comfortable. Change is challenging! But realize the rewards we will reap when we have a sleeker, stronger body or when we have a new college class under our belt or when we say “No” to something or someone who is harmful to us! Today, let's not just read this blog. Let's DO something. Let's start creating our new self by taking some positive, good-for-me ACTION! Do something right this minute!

“… be made new in the attitude of your minds; and put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”
Ephesians 4:23-24 (NIV)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-05-28T05:59:00.000-07:00

I was going to put a menopause joke to start out this blog, but couldn’t find any I thought were really funny. Here’s one that was a little funny: “You know a woman’s going through menopause when she sells her home heating system at a yard sale.” Okay, not that funny. If you’re going through menopause when you’re going through a midlife divorce, some things seem more catastrophic than usual. Menopause means our emotions are more erratic and unpredictable. We tend to cry more and get angry a little faster. But look at it this way; why not get all of that bad stuff out of the way all at once? If a divorce is part of your life right now, you’re probably dealing with lots of new and intense emotions anyway. Just try to clean house all the way around … get through menopause and get through the divorce all at once and then get on with building your new life. Here is something I came across in a book called Midlife/New Life and it’s about finding new enthusiasm about this stage of life. Here is a list of 10 foods that are suggested “menopause managers.” (Menopause Manager sounds sort of like Career Consultant! Maybe there's a whole new career path on the horizon!) Anyway, try eating something from this list today and see if you feel better. Even if you’re not going through menopause, these things can help:
1. Brazil Nuts
2. Fish
3. Low-fat Dairy Products
4. Flax seeds
5. Whole Grains
6. Spices (Ginger & Tumeric are especially helpful
7. Herbal remedies
8. Vitamin supplements
9. Tofu, soy and legumes
10. Bean sprouts

Check with your physician or naturopath for herbal suggestions that might help and which vitamins women need especially. And be careful if you are taking antidepressants because some herbal supplements should not be taken at the same time.

And by the way, if you find a good menopause joke send it to suzysuccess@kc.rr.com and I’ll post it.

Have a good day and Remember: You're Still Hot! Period!

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-05-27T11:13:00.000-07:00

"Live simply. Love seriously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God!" C.S.

The quote above was at the bottom of an e-mail I received from C.S. in Olathe, Kansas yesterday. I love the simplicity and wisdom of those words. If we could all do that every day, our lives would be much more peaceful and powerful. As women on the midlife divorce recovery journey, sometimes we might hesitate to love seriously and care deeply again. But the truth is, even though both of those actions have risks in them, living that way brings the richest and most glorious rewards. If we try to tiptoe around life and not get hurt, we have a sort of mediocre existence without the vitality and adventure that life should be every single day. It’s only when we give ourselves 100% that we have the kind of days we want. A life lived boldly and with the assurance that we can handle whatever comes our way is a life full of all kinds of amazing and wonderful surprises. So go ahead, have the confidence to do the things suggested in the quote above and see how good life can really be!

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-05-26T06:30:00.000-07:00

I am almost ten years past my midlife divorce, and I am still discovering new joys every day. However, last night on my walk (just as it was getting dark) I had a kind of meltdown. I cried and prayed for the whole 30 minutes. We had had a gorgeous holiday weekend, and yesterday, Memorial Day was a special day, too. Two of my grandsons have Juvenile Diabetes. One is 11, the other is nine. They both have insulin pumps and they are handling things amazingly well. They never complain. They take it in stride. They are normal (way above normal actually ☺). Their cousins and their siblings started doing a “Hot Dogs for Henry and George” fund-raiser every year. They put up signs, call their friends at school, get help from parents and grandparents and they have raised several thousands of dollars for Diabetes Research. The fund-raiser was yesterday. But last night about 8:00 my son, Henry and George’s Dad called and said the oldest had had an “incident.” He started acting a little out of character and goofy, and when they checked his numbers he was way low. My daughter-in-law is a pediatrician and they gave him a glass and a half of juice with the numbers still going down. They squirted a tube of frosting into his mouth … with him getting incoherent and still nosediving. They called 911 and finally his system responded to the sugar and he became lucid and himself again. Hearing all of that made me acutely aware of how serious a disease it is and how grateful I am for the advances that have been made so far. (and also how far there is to go). But it also brought to mind that my brother, who also had diabetes, died during this same week two years ago. They think he went into a coma in his sleep and he never woke up. If you have read my book Radical Recovery, he wrote the two letters to me that are in the book. (I was blessed with amazing brothers and family). I miss him terribly. But yesterday, on top of all of the worry about my grandsons, and thinking about my brother, some of the women on my radicalwomennetwork.com are really struggling with very difficult issues. Lots of women are hurting, and it breaks my heart every time I think about it. Any holidays are harder for women in a divorce. Even fantastic things like new babies being born are tinged with sadness (like in one radical woman's weekend) because the father in the family has decided he wants some fleeting midlife fantasy. Anyway, I prayed and cried and walked and cried and talked to God some more. I want to make a difference in this world. To my children and grandchildren. To my extended family. To my husband. To women who are struggling through a very difficult time. To people I meet on the street every day. Life is too short. I feel as if I can never do enough. But this morning in my day’s Bible reading were these words from Christ himself: “I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friend.” (John 15:12-13) I am going to keep trying to love each person God puts in my path today. I am going to shine God’s light of hope wherever I go. And when I do that, God promises that my joy will be complete. Any of us will find that joy comes to us on its own when we love like that. That’s a promise from the Eternal God of the universe. And with that, I cannot wait to get started on this new day and see who I can lay down my love for today.

“Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.” Proverbs 16:3.

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-05-22T08:59:00.000-07:00

"The Best Revenge is Living Well!" Anonymous

I know none of us is out to get revenge after our divorce. (smile, sigh) Seriously, we are all trying to be above that. We are hopefully more concerned about creating our new life, and not being dragged down by our old one. But I’ll admit, in my weaker moments early in my divorce recovery journey, I wanted him to know my life was wonderful. I wanted him to see that what he did hurt him more than it hurt me. I wanted him to wish he had another chance. But the great part is, from my vantage point in the here and now, I don’t really care what’s going on with him because what’s going on with me is better than I could have imagined. What’s going on with me doesn’t depend on other people acting a certain way. It depends on me acting a certain way. So regardless of what is going on around me, I can choose joy and goodness. I can choose to be positive and powerful. I can be feisty and fun. I can make the new life I want.

Here’s the truth: It’s in my power to create an absolutely phenomenal life! It’s in your power too. This isn’t just feel-good fluff. This isn’t just positive thinking and happy thoughts. This is changing your mindset and changing your habits and changing your life. You can be done with being a weak, snively wimpy woman.

You can become a Warrior Woman who can change absolutely everything in your life for the better. Start now!

"Don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do. I'll do the judging,' says God. 'I'll take care of it.'"
—Romans 12:17-19 (The Message)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-05-21T11:33:00.000-07:00

“TNT=Today Not Tomorrow” My Dad

During this midlife divorce journey, have you ever said, “I can’t wait for this whole mess to be over,”? Or “I’ll be so glad when this is over!”? I know I said those things. I thought to myself, “there was no way I can be happy now.” But that’s a myth. You can choose to be joyful and thankful and glad regardless of what is going on in your life. My Dad turns 90 next month. For Christmas one year he gave each of us a piece of wood about 4” x 6,” and he had carved TNT in it, sanded it, stained it and put varnish on it. I have kept it on my desk all these years to remind myself to go ahead and do things today instead of waiting until tomorrow. I think he had in mind doing all those things you have to do, but it has come to mean more than that to me. When I see that sign, I think, "I’m not going to wait ‘til tomorrow to be happy or I’m not going to wait ‘til tomorrow to be content or thankful or peaceful. I’m going to be those things today. I’m going to do all those little things I need to do, but I’m not going to wait until some time in the future to grab the life I want. I’m going to start creating and living it now, this very minute!" We all need to take hold of the good stuff now, while we still can. In every moment of life there is something to rejoice about. Think about all of the "everyday" blessings you still have. If we don’t learn to appreciate fully each new day, sometimes tomorrow never comes.

“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.” Matthew 6:34 (The Message)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts

2009-05-20T14:56:00.000-07:00

“In my experience, as people start to simplify their lives, the things that really matter naturally come to the forefront.” Living the Simple Life by Elaine St. James

Nothing is simple about midlife divorce. In fact one of the things that made me most upset was that suddenly everything became complicated. During a midlife divorce we are inundated with decisions to make, things to do, stuff to separate, schedules to figure out and on and on and on. It’s overwhelming. One of the things that Elaine St. James suggests in her book, Living the Simple Life, is to identify the top five priorities in your life right now. By prioritizing, decision-making becomes easier. Distractions are given less attention. Before our divorce journey, some of our priorities might have been the same. However, now, we have to figure out how to flesh them out in light of our new situation. One of our priorities might have been to be a positive influence in the lives of our children. Now we must accomplish that goal in new ways. We have to deal with sharing our children with an ex-spouse and his girlfriend. We have to find creative, effective ways of accomplishing those few true things that we want our life to be about. Today, try to verbalize and get on paper your top life priorities. Then start making a list under every one of those priorities of concrete actions you can do to make those priorities reality. Having those goals in the forefront of your thinking, clarifies things. Read the list every morning and see if that doesn’t help with all of those decisions you have to make.

“I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13 (NIV)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-05-19T13:57:00.000-07:00

“Fifty is the New Fifty” Suzanne Levine

During a midlife divorce, all that change is scary. But “The ‘change of life’ can set women free,” according to a headline in the Kansas City Star recently. Whether going through divorce or not, Suzanne Levine, 67, author of Inventing the Rest of Our Lives, brings us the just-published ‘Fifty is the New Fifty,’ a 10-step self-help program encouraging women to celebrate themselves instead of focusing on the anti-aging techniques to recapture youth. Among the themes she addresses is the fact that “No” can be a very liberating word at this stage of life. We can finally find the courage to say, “No” to things we don’t want to do, or things we disagree with or things that don’t seem right. Barrie Arachtingi, a psychologist from Lawrence, Kansas says that menopause makes us not care so much what other people think, and care more about we think. And that can be a good thing. We aren’t advocating a complete change of personality where you become selfish and self-centered, but midlife can definitely be a time of paying more attention to your own goals and dreams. Most of us, as women at midlife have spent most of our lives seeing to the needs of others. Now is the time to see more to our own needs. “Do unto yourself as you have been doing unto others,” Levine encourages. And especially during a midlife divorce, it’s the old “put your oxygen mask on first.” One positive thing about facing a divorce at this time of life is that you have a completely new slate on which to write the rest of your story. Most of us in that place, at first just want our old story back, but if divorce is final or soon to be final, we don’t have that option. But we do have a choice: move on with power and joy or spend the rest of our lives moaning about what couldda been or shouldda been. You have two definite roads you can take, and moving forward to an exciting new life is always better than staying stuck in anger and bitterness and despair. Levine says she is finished with labels and roles and the expectations of other people. Especially after the end of a marriage at midlife, we can have a chance to create a life based on our own new perceptions of what life can be. Find those new dreams. Travel those new roads. Find those new adventures. This may be the most rewarding time of all!

“Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.” Proverbs 31:29 (NIV)

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-05-18T05:55:00.000-07:00

All of you reading this blog should check out the www.radicalwomennetwork.com site. There is so much amazing support and encouragement and strength on the forum. I may have mentioned this before but studies have shown (in a book called Crowdsourcing) that creative, strong solutions are more likely to come from a random group of people with a similar problem than from a group of so-called "experts." The study shows that a random group brings wisdom from all different angles whereas experts all seem to be studying the same theories and utilizing similar strategies. "The Crowd" brings to the problem all different ways of looking at it. That's why I am so excited about what is going on at the www.radicalwomennetwork.com site. So much good interaction going on and you all can benefit by that. I worry that I can't help everyone personally who needs help. But you are helping each other on the radicalwomennetwork.com site. I am just encouraged every single day about the wisdom and comfort that women on that site are providing each other. When one is down, the others pick her up. When someone is celebrating a victory, everyone cheers her on. It's becoming so much what I had hoped for when I started that site. And it's available 24/7.

Now here is part of a Psalm that all of you can relate to:

Psalm 37

Do not fret because of evil men
or be envious of those who do wrong.
For like the grass they will soon wither and die away.
Trust in the Lord and do good,
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the Lord
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord
trust in him and he will do this;
He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him'
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret --- it leads only to evil
For evil men will be cut off,
but those who hope in the Lord will
inherit the land.

We all need to just consistently do right and then not worry about the results. Staying on the high road while some of those around us are doing wrong is not always easy, but it is always the best road. And constantly doing right brings peace. And it makes our decisions easier. We don't have to struggle over every choice. We simply do right in the best way we can and leave the results to God. Today, think particularly about this verse: "Commit your way to the Lord, trust in him and he will do this: He will make y our righteousness shine like the dawn and the justice of your cause like the noonday sun." Your children will see it, your family will see it, your friends will see it, and even your wasband will see your strength and goodness. And one more thing, God promises if you live this way, he will give you, "the desires of your heart." Think carefully about what the desire of your heart really is. (Hint: it's not your wasband!) The desires of your heart are really so far above his actions that it's laughable. You deserve to have the true desires of your heart ... and you will have them!

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-05-15T06:23:00.000-07:00

During a midlife divorce recovery journey, we all find different ways to cope. One of the things that happened with me is that my spiritual life deepened in an amazing way. My trust in God helped me let go of things I could not explain and could not control. Regardless of where you are on your own spiritual path, here is a prayer that a woman sent me this morning. Since her divorce journey started, she has begun journaling and is also in some writing classes where she is getting great encouragement from the instructor. Writing from the heart often begins when we are going through tough times. Try getting your own thoughts on paper. It is therapeutic and it can also help others. Below is the beautiful, powerful prayer I got from C.G.

Forgive me Father - for removing my gaze - for trusting in temporary things.
Once again, revive my heart as I say yes - yes to your totality. Yes to the
unknown - knowing You alone see from eternity's view. I trust You, yet help my
unbelief. You are enough, Father. Forgive me for setting idols up in hopes
of receiving only what you can give....my longing to be valued,
loved...distracted from the pain. Desires that, although you have ordained,
blur my vision when they become my focus, rather than seeking with my whole
heart - You. Hold my tears in your bottle. Give me beauty for ashes and
garments of praise. Help me to keep my gaze fixed. You are my strength,
my high tower - my refuge, my safe place - the lover of my soul. You are enough.

Photo from www.hem-of-his-garment-bible-study.org

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-05-14T04:23:00.000-07:00

During a midlife divorce and trying to make sense of it all, we spend lots of time crying and sighing. Today, let's laugh all we can and sing with all our hearts and even dance when we can. Feelings follow actions. So do whatever you can today to act joyfully. You will survive this and look back and see what God has done through it all. (By the way, the picture of the "cool guys" is from wordpress.
I got this over the internet yesterday. You may have already seen it, but I think it's worth seeing again.)

"I don't care if you lick windows,
take the special bus or occasionally pee on yourself.
You hang in there, sunshine - you're friggin' special.
Every sixty seconds you spend angry, upset or mad,
is a full minute of happiness you'll never get back.
Today's Message of the Day is:
Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly,
Laugh uncontrollably.
Life may not be the party we hoped for,
but while we're here, we should dance."

"A cheerful heart does good like medicine; a broken spirit makes one sick."
Proverbs 17:12

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

2009-05-13T06:55:00.001-07:00

“People are not for hitting.”
Your mother

Anger is a normal emotion for midlife women going through an unwanted divorce. So don’t think you’re abnormal when you are furious and want to hit or break something. Those of you from Kansas City may have seen this article in The Kansas City Star. Part of the headline reads “SMASH: Cheaper than therapy.” This story is about a calm, normal man who when he lost his job, had an argument with his wife and bills were piling up, threw a tumbler against a wall, shattering it. That’s how the inspiration for his new business started. He realized how good that physical release felt. “The former software engineer opened Smash-N-Shatter on Thursday in downtown Lee’s Summit to provide ‘cheap therapy’ to other frustrated folks.” Dana Hood, a professor at Abilene Christian University who is the author of I Will Change Your Name: Messages from the Father to a Heart Broken By Divorce, wrote in her book of devotions about a similar experience of hers. A friend of hers has what she calls “The Wailing Wall,” and she dropped Dana off at that wall by herself with a stack of old cracked dishes. The friend along with some other friends later picked Dana up after her time alone at the Wailing Wall and fixed dinner for her and gave her support. “That kind of physical release is amazingly therapeutic,” she later told me. I know one time I was so mad during this whole divorce recovery process that I took a roll of wrapping paper and hit everything in my back entryway as hard as I could for a few minutes. I was simply out of control. Another time I took a basket and slammed it into a door making a big ugly mark on the door. All I can say is better that we do that than hit the real objects of our fury. I’m not advocating wild untamed anger all the time. But occasionally we need to just go someplace out in the country and throw something or yell or scream or do something just to release that pent-up toxic anger. Don’t destroy your valuable property or hurt anyone, or yourself; but if you need to, take your mom’s advice and hit a pillow as hard as you can for as long as you can. Run as fast as you can for as long as you can. Expend yourself in harmless ways so that you don’t take out your anger in ways that are not healthy. It encourages me, too, to picture Christ in the temple knocking things over and scattering the money. I’m sure he felt better afterwards too.

“Jesus put together a whip out of strips and leather and chased them out of the Temple, stampeding the sheep and cattle, upending the tables of the loan sharks, spilling coins left and right.” John 2:15-16

R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts

2009-05-12T03:14:00.000-07:00

“A man is not a financial plan.” ~ Dee Lee, Financial Expert

In a way, the quote above makes me mad. Before my midlife divorce, my then-husband was not my financial plan … he was my husband, my lover, my very best friend, my promised life-partner. We had a financial plan together. As baby-boomers, we married during college, started a family three years later. I contributed to that financial plan by working until our first baby was born and by taking care of the children and things on the home front so he could concentrate on his career. Of course I would have done things differently if I had had any idea that he would want to leave our ‘life-time’ partnership when I was 54 years old. I had no money of my own. And though I had done free-lance advertising work and helped with my family’s business, I had little real employment experience. I know that many of you reading this blog are in the same boat. After 15, 20 or even 30 years out of the paid workforce, you now have to figure out how to support yourself and maybe you even still have children at home. Your situation may seem daunting at best and hopeless at worst. But I want to tell you, as discouraged as you may be, it is not hopeless! There are resources available to you. You will have to use all of your determination, discipline and faith, but you can and will get through this. Don’t let money become your security or your obsession, or your constant focus. Take a deep breath, get some help, and move forward step by step. This experience, though challenging, can be the turning point to a new life for you, not just financially, but emotionally, physically and spiritually as well. There are millions of stories of women in your position who have created great wealth! You have your whole life ahead of you. Realize that with God, you can face absolutely everything … even your financial situation with assurance and confidence. Remember, God will never, ever leave you no matter who else does. God promises that you will have a life, not of mediocrity, but a life of abundance and blessings pressed down and flowing over! Believe that truth … even in regard to your finances. Find out what God wants to do with this new life of yours. Give it to him. Be fearless! You’ll be amazed at what he can do!

“Don’t be obsessed with getting more material things. Be relaxed with what you have. Since God assured us, ‘I’ll never let you down, never walk off and leave you,’ we can boldly quote, ‘God is there, ready to help; I’m fearless no matter what. Who or what can get to me?’” ~ Hebrews 13: 5-6 (The Message)

2009 - MY YEAR TO SHINE

2009-03-09T10:58:00.000-07:00

Last week I set up a Twitter account. It's a hoot. I'm learning about Tweets, Followers and I'm making some new positive connections. Here is something that was on my page from someone called Coach Clarise. She is a coach who helps people deal with their fear. There is a lot of fear out there especially among women who are facing divorce or somewhere on that journey. At a support group meeting recently one women sobbed, "I'm terrified!"

Here are some words from Coach Clarise.

"As a fear expert, I’ve gotten quite friendly with the idea that fear will always be present for us. To some degree, we all cope with fear. The good news is that it doesn’t have to stop us from doing what we want to do.

There are many strategies that work to diminish your fear. One common cause of fear is that we hyper focus on ourselves, thus causing worry and doubt about our performance. For example, many people have a deep fear of public speaking. In fact, it’s one of the most common fears for lots of people. One of the reasons that people freak out when speaking in public is that they are focusing exclusively on themselves. Simple things like breathing become a chore. Amazing, yet true.

When I coach people through this particular fear, I ask the client to focus specifically on his audience. Rather than thinking about his delivery, his pace, his breathing - I ask him to focus instead on a feeling of gratitude for those people who have given up their time to listen to him speak. By being grateful both for the people listening and the circumstances around having the opportunity to speak, his fear shrinks.

When we feel gratitude and recognize grace, we are not focused on ourselves and our worry. Our power comes from serving others. There is always something to be grateful for, and anytime we are feeling grateful we are not feeling fear.

Don’t believe me? Try it. The next time you become aware of a fearful thought, immediately replace it with gratitude. You can even be grateful for the fear, as it is most certainly there to teach you something."

And here's a quote from Melody Beattie that Coach Clarise includes at the end of her article:

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity…. It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow." Melody Beattie

Turn your Fear to Faith that your life will be all you want it to be. Gratitude will take you there!

2009 - MY YEAR TO SHINE

2009-03-04T06:59:00.000-08:00

"Moving On" -- After Midlife Divorce

This year, our church is reading through the Bible. So every morning I do the daily reading from the Old Testament, The New Testament, Psalms and Proverbs. For me, it’s a very empowering, centering way to start the day. After I do that, I read the Wall Street Journal, my favorite print publication. Today the reading from Psalms contained this encouragement: “For God is the King of all the earth; sing to him a song of praise,” which gives me a sense that someone greater than we are is actually in control of this mess we've made. That is reassuring to me. Then an article by Jeffrey Zaslow in the WSJ entitled “From Attitude to Gratitude: This Is No Time for Complaints” seemed to echo the sentiment of being grateful … especially now. Mr. Zaslow says, “There may be a positive byproduct of our troubled times: a decrease in the urge to complain.” He continues with a story of a minister in Kansas City (where I live) who has distributed almost six million purple bracelets with his non-profit organization’s title: “A Complaint Free World.” Jeffrey also mentions Jon Gordon, author of The No Complaining Rule, who has collected research showing that “gratitude reduces stress and improves health. Every morning, he takes a gratitude walk …” As another example, the “Attitude to Gratitude” article quotes Sherene McHenry, a professor of counseling at Central Michigan University. “Dr. McHenry encourages us to write down three things we’re grateful for every day – no matter how simple they might seem. ‘Some days,’ she says, ‘the list might be as basic as oxygen, food and shelter.’” So research definitely backs up the benefits of having a grateful heart and expressing thankfulness for things we might take for granted in better times. My own book Radical Recovery: Transforming the Despair of Your Divorce Into an Unexpected Good also encourages readers to "Be grateful for, and take delight in, every single good thing in your life at this moment."

Even if you are in the middle of a stressful, sometimes agonizing, personal trauma like divorce, you can still find thousands of things to be thankful for. Today, start you own gratitude journal. As soon as you read this, get a notebook or a piece of paper and start your list. Possible entries: Eyes to see. My body – whatever shape it’s in. My children and grandchildren. A cup of hot coffee. A roof over my head. Little green plants bravely poking their heads out of the snow. Truly, the list of our blessings is endless. Let’s all appreciate them anew, today.

To read Mr. Zaslow’s entire article, go to www.wsj.com; then click on “Today’s Paper;” then go to “View Today’s Front Pages,” then click on “Personal Journal.” Or I will send you a PDF file if you e-mail a request to suzysuccess@kc.rr.com.

2009 - MY YEAR TO SHINE

2009-03-02T14:53:00.000-08:00

Suzy's Divorce Recovery Sessions at the Fairgrounds in Tulsa.
Go to www.tulsaworkshop.org to see where Suzy will be speaking March 26-28! Click on the video arrow on the picture on the home page of that site. Suzy will present four different recovery sessions.

She will provide Christian Divorce Recovery inspiration and information for anyone who needs it. Make a road trip to Tulsa! Bring your whole divorce support group.

Suzy will also provide divorce recovery resources for churches. Get the information to start your own divorce recovery ministry at your home congregation.

She will be speaking at the times below, and you can also stop by the Leafwood/ACU Publishers Booth to make an appointment to see Suzy personally and to get resources to help you create the life you desire.

Suzy's speaking sessions:

Thursday, March 26th 2:00 p.m. - God Called Me from the Despair of Divorce

Friday, March 27th 9:00 a.m. - Divorce Recovery Workshop: Get Brave! Get Bold! Get Better!

Friday, March 27th 2:00 p.m. - Called to be God's Presence to Those Broken By Divorce

Saturday, March 28th 4:00 p.m. - Divorce Recovery Workshop: Finding New Purpose

This event brings together speakers from all over the country. A spiritual feast that includes acapella singing, praise and worship. A wide variety of topics and dozens of lectures to attend. DON'T MISS IT!

2009 - MY YEAR TO SHINE

2009-02-26T08:09:00.000-08:00

During a midlife divorce and the recovery period surrounding that event, most of us are left in limbo about our finances, at least for a while. I am definitely not a numbers person. All through my marriage, I let my wasband take care of the money stuff. BIG MISTAKE! We are all big girls, and we have to learn to take care of our money ourselves! One way to start is by getting your records together for your taxes. This forces you to collect the documents you need, and you see in black and white where you stand. Even if your financial news is bad, it is empowering to know because you can then make a plan to move forward. “Knowledge is power” is definitely true in regards to our money. If you can afford it, get someone to help you with your taxes this year. There are issues to consider like whether you should file separately or jointly, about who claims the children, about alimony, child support and all kinds of financial issues affected by your divorce. The years around my divorce, I paid my accountant to advise me about how to file my taxes. In the process, I had several appointments with him, and he gave me advice about what to do with the house, my business and advised me about other money decisions as well. If you cannot afford an accountant, at least get someone who knows what they are doing to look your financial records over. There are tax services in the community available to help you as well. But time is running out. Ignoring April 15th won’t help. In fact, getting your finances in order is one of the best things you can do to get control of other parts of your life. If this is your first year taking care of your own taxes, you will gain confidence by at least knowing what you need to do to move forward and what will make things easier for next year. Here’s simple advice from a recovering let-someone-else-do-the-money-stuff-kind-of-person. Each year, I get two big expandable folders with an elastic band around each one. This year, one says “Suzy – 2009.” The other “MDR (Midlife Divorce Recovery) – 2009.” Even though it could be more organized, at least everything goes in there. Receipts, deposit slips, credit card statements, etc. Then I have a 3-ring binder where I put bank statements for myself and for my business. Just having that much control gives me a sense of power … even if I still feel a few heart palpitations as April 15th approaches. If you don’t have a place to keep everything for 2009, go get a couple of file folders of your own today! Gather up your financial papers for the year so far. (It’s not too late!) You can do this! Next year will be easier. In the meantime, get going on your 2008 taxes now!

2009 - MY YEAR TO SHINE

2009-02-24T06:32:00.001-08:00

I was in Salina, Kansas last week giving a presentation on “Red Shoes/Ruby Slippers – Making Decisions to Get the Life You Want.” The group I presented to was fun and very receptive, and the lunch was delicious! It was a great weekend … starting in Salina with the talk and a grandchild’s birthday and family there and ending in Wichita seeing my Mom and Dad. It was an unusually warm Friday, and then Saturday was cold again like often happens in the Midwest at this time of year. But in both places, little sprouts of green were poking their heads out of the dark, cold ground. SPRING! I don’t know where you live, but the thought of spring getting closer makes my heart take a little leap. And after a midlife divorce, we are all so ready for a new spring to come in our lives! It may feel as if it will never come, but it always does. Always! So look around and see what signs of spring you are seeing or hearing or feeling … in your life and in nature around you. And take heart! The winter is ending and new life is just beginning!

The photo above is from a site called wineonthekeyboard.com. Also, don’t forget to check out the products and resources on the www.midlifedivorcerecovery.com site. Spring will come more fully in our lives when we get the resources we need to start planting the seeds for a wild colorful new garden of our own!