R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women
“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work; you don’t give up.”
Anne Lamott in Bird by Bird
Doing the right thing in the middle of the chaos of divorce is not easy. It’s especially hard when we are trying to teach our children to do right when their father has chosen to do lots of wrong things, and we have done wrong things on the journey as well. Our support groups this week have been discussing how to help our children (and all the others close to us as well.) How do we teach the right lessons in the middle of so much wrong? Like Anne Lamott advises, we “just show up and try to do the right thing.” Minute by minute. Time after time. Day after day. And the actions we have to take with children (especially late-adolescent or early-adult children when their behavior is definitely taking them down the wrong path) are difficult. It’s hard to be the one making the tough decisions and meting out the punishments. It’s no fun to set boundaries and then have to exact the penalty when those boundaries are crossed. Our kids don’t like it. They think we’re being unreasonable. They go live with their dad. And that’s part of the problem. It’s even more difficult to set definite and sure boundaries of behavior when dads have obviously crossed those boundaries with no apparent care or concern. It’s hard to teach the right lessons when someone your children admired suddenly is doing so many things wrong … breaking promises; having affairs; drinking too much; lying; being deceitful and life seems to be going fine for him, thank you. And the fact that he is usually in his “Super Dad” costume makes discipline even more difficult. But hang on. Hang on and keep on doing the right thing. The dawn will come. Your kids will be mad for a while; but eventually they will understand how much you love them, and they will admire you for all you have done for them. In years to come, my bet is that they will all be sitting around a holiday table after dinner is finished when all the stories start; and with their children listening, they will ask a sibling, “Do you remember when mom caught us (fill in the blank)?“ For one thing, your sure, right response will give them cover as they are disciplining their own children who will learn the lessons, too. As one preacher in Anne’s book comments, “Hope is a revolutionary patience.” So, “Wait and watch and work; don’t give up.” Or give in. No matter how much easier it would be to do so.
“It is the same joy as that of a woman in labor when her child is born – her anguish gives place to rapturous joy and the pain is forgotten. You have sorrow now, but I will see you again and then you will rejoice; and no one can rob you of that joy.” John 16:21, 22 (The Living Bible)
