R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women
“You may know someone, someone you consider to be a good person, who puts up with another who makes her life miserable.” Nasty People: How to Stop Bing Hurt by Them Without Becoming One of Them by Jay Carter
After our wasbands reveal a long-term affair or after they come to us and say, “I just don’t love you anymore.,” it’s amazing how long we put up with this person who does not change and continues making us miserable. We keep thinking, “It’s just a phase … he’ll come back to his senses.” Or we say to ourselves, “I’m not willing to give up my marriage without a fight;" or "I still love him.” We continue to let someone hurt us, belittle us and invalidate us at the same time he is sleeping with or living with or having an emotional, spiritual or physical affair with “someone who ‘really gets me””. And all the while, we grovel and weep and pray and beg for them to stop and come home. We let them treat us in a way that we would never allow anyone to treat someone we love. I did that for three long agonizing, torturous years. As we are trying to fix our marriage, they are saying things like, “We could work this out if you weren’t so unforgiving;” Or “ I said I’m sorry, we can’t have a life if you are still so angry and bitter about this.” Or, “I still love you, but she’s my soul mate.” Or “I deserve to be happy.” And then I groveled and read books and prayed some more hoping he would somehow love me again. He went on being a Nasty Person and I went on being the victim and begging for him to come back home and being more miserable than I have ever been in my whole life. Jay Carter says, “You tend to have no respect for someone who has no self-respect.” Our children and our friends finally start saying, “Let him go.” They start losing respect for us as we continue to let someone treat us in such a selfish, abusive way. As a Christian and as a woman who desperately wanted to save my marriage, I gave him every single chance to stop his adultery and come back home. I think God honored my desire to fix our marriage and all of my efforts to do that. But I have come to realize that God was also saying: “You are my beloved child. Trust me. You cannot control his behavior, but you can trust me. Stand confidently and do right. Don’t let anyone trample on my truth and my covenants or yours. If you need to, shake the dust from your feet and move on.” God will bless your desire to save your marriage. God will honor every single thing you have done to make things right for everyone including your wasband. But if your wasband chooses another path, you cannot change that. You will be blessed for letting him go and finding the incredible new life God has waiting for you.
"If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, shake the dust off your feet as you leave that home or town." Matthew 10:14 (NIV)
