R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

I usually tell women in support groups and in private midlife divorce recovery coaching to give up the idea that their wasband will ever apologize or ask forgiveness for his affair. I advise them to give up the idea that their wasband will ever really face or acknowledge what he has done to the family. I advise women to stop trying to get that validation. But we all seem to want it. In the beginning, we think we would feel better if our wasbands took some sort of responsibility for their part. But in my experience hardly any of them do. My brother who is a minister and who conducts funeral services told me last night of a funeral he led last week. The man was 46 and died unexpectedly of a heart attack. His twenty-something girls had good things to say about him. His ex-wife got up and told her story and said: "If any of you have unresolved issues you want to get cleared up, don’t put it off. It’s a wonderful gift and she went on to say in public what her wasband had said to her. At some point, many years later, after coming back to his spiritual base, he went to her and said: “I want you to know that I know that I made some terrible mistakes in our marriage. I know that our divorce was because of actions on my part and I’m truly sorry about that. If I had not done those things I know we would still be married and that’s my loss. But if I were to pick out a man for you it would be (Joe – her new husband) If I had to pick out a step-dad for our girls it would be Joe.” This woman got up in front of the audience and told that story and said, “If you have any fences you need to mend; if you have any unresolved issues you need to set straight, do it. When (Bob – not his real name but her ex-husband) told me those things, it was a great weight off of my heart. It was a gift to me and he did the same for our girls. It makes more difference than you know, and it is a legacy worth giving.” She told my brother she didn’t ask for him to do that, and she definitely didn’t expect it especially after all those years. She had moved on with her life successfully. I just wanted to pass along that there are those very rare men who face their actions squarely and make an attempt to make amends. But I have yet to hear of one of them do it because of prodding or pleading by us. Let those desires go. Only God can change a heart enough to make that happen. In ten years I have heard only one story like that, but I am proud of that one strong man who quietly did what he could even many years later to make things right.