R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women

What I’m saying is not the politically correct thing to say. I know I will be accused of being bitter and angry and not accepting my own divorce after 33 years of marriage. But after working for almost 10 years to help women who have been married to men like Mark Sandford, I am discouraged.

Mark Sandford’s excursion to Argentina for his adulterous affair is confirmation that men who behave like this have no clue about the true fallout of their actions. These affairs and the divorce that usually follows are not only devastating for his wife and children and his mistress’s family, but they have become a threat to the stability of our society and our country. (and not just because he left his state with no one in control while he was in the arms of his lover in Argentina.)

Here is a man, like John Edwards, Bill Clinton, the recent politician from Utah, and others like them who are selfish and self-centered and don’t have the decency or the guts to just say to their wives and children, “Let me out of this family, this marriage, so I can go screw around with someone (exotic) who really likes me... who really understands me.” (Who by the way, may have a family of her own that will be affected as well.)

I’m sure some psychologists will say, “Now. Now. There are always two sides to every story. She needs to take responsibility for her part in this.” But the simple fact is, these men in power make a thoughtful choice to have these tawdry affairs. Even if his wife is the worst wife in the world, he should go to her and say, “This marriage isn’t working for me. Let’s fix it or I want out.” No one forces infidelity. It’s a cowardly and defining choice a man makes.

I’m sorry. But I’m tired of it. Every new revelation of infidelity is distressing because I know what the wife and the family are facing. That picture of those four boys … with the oldest one looking admiringly at his Dad makes my heart hurt. What lessons is Sandford teaching? And Sandford’s appearance with his red eyes saying he had been crying for five days in Argentina … (What, with his head in his girlfriend’s lap and her comforting him about having to give each other up because it’s the respectable thing to do?)

Was Sandford crying because he had to give up “his true soul mate” to protect his image? Who wants a man who really wants to be in someone else’s bed? Who wants a man who comes back for his political future or his reputation or for some sense of duty? I didn’t want that, and I’m sure Sandford’s wife doesn’t want that either.

Where is character? Where is courage and goodness and decency? What kind of embarrassing men are these? Where is their desire to protect their wife and children and be their best for them? Do these men lose that desire with the rush of the secret meetings, the lying and sneaking around in the dark?


If Mark Sandford doesn’t have a true “Come to Jesus” moment and understand, make amends for what he’s done and take real, concrete steps to correct it, then this is what will happen in that family: There will be a divorce. Houses will be sold. Kids relocated. There will be anguish and agony and tears all around. Every single holiday and family celebration will be complicated. Children will have to adjust to new schedules and sharing parents. As children are trying to develop into good, strong adults they will be coping with a father who thinks more about his own desires than the good of his family. They will be adjusting to new step-parents and siblings. They will keep trying to do the right thing and make the best of it. But in truth, hearts are broken in the worst ways.

They find out the one man they trusted more than any other is not the man they thought. They learn these things about their father: He cares more about his own lusts and shallow satisfactions than he does about their good. He cares more about fulfilling his own fleeting desires than he cares about protecting their hearts. He cares more about his own fantasy of being a cool, irresistible guy than he cares about being the best father he can be which means, among other things, loving their mother.

The children will wonder if they caused it somehow … if they could have prevented it. The losses cannot be counted. It’s as much about the losses of trust and confidence and security as much as anything. Something they thought was solid, suddenly is not. It undermines their world view that there are some things they can trust no matter what.

And society will continue pretending “this is no big deal. Movie stars and producers will keep glamorizing affairs. Best selling books will keep having their disillusioned characters climbing into bed with people who are married to someone else to have their true love fulfilled. Society will sigh and say …. “lots of kids deal with divorce; there’s nothing we can do; it's no big deal.” Culture will foster the false notions:, “do what feels good; forget about keeping promises; being a good father is not that important. Families are disposable. Kids will be alright.”

How about if we as a society start supporting truths like “love the wife of your youth,” like the Bible says? How about encouraging and finding joy and fun in your own home and with your own family and friends. How about teaching doing the right, good thing because that’s really the best way to live and because that kind of life really brings the most joy.

It’s time for us as parents and as voters and as consumers and as members of this “Family of Man,” to make a stand for doing the right thing. Let’s promote living the “Good Life.” Not just the good life financially or by the things we buy, but by the way we live. Let’s honor the promises we make in every relationship. Let’s be careful with our choices especially in matters of the heart. The future of our children and our country depends on it. A life of doing right is a fun, fulfilling, good, adventurous and love-filled way to live. When we live that way, we will discover that we won’t need to sneak around in the dark to find the joy and completeness we are seeking. If we are living right, those things will find us on their own.

Suzy Brown
President, Midlife Divorce Recovery, LLC
816-941-4911
www.midlifedivorcerecovery.com
Author, Radical Recovery: Transforming the Despair of Your Divorce Into An Unexpected Good.
Upcoming Book: If He Said ‘Til Death Do Us Part, Why Is He Still Alive?

I give midlife women the tools to heal from their
“wasband’s infidelity and the divorce that usually follows. I help them create a new vision for their future after divorce. I help them see that there is a plan for their lives after divorce and it can be more beautiful than they can even imagine!