Divorce Recovery and the Holidays

Christmas is a week from today! I remember the first year I was divorced, I was so worried about the fact that I didn’t have as much to spend as I had in the past that I think I lost sight of what was most important. In fact, my finances were still up in the air to a certain extent. I bought things that I probably shouldn’t have just to make sure the holidays were as good as they had always been. In looking back, I wish I had just stopped and spent 30 minutes thinking about what I wanted the outcome to be for Christmas. I knew that I was trying to fix things for everyone. I felt responsible to make the holidays good. And I think I did, but what made the holidays meaningful and good was not the gifts. It was deciding what traditions to keep and what traditions were going to have to change. We had always gone as a family to pick out a Christmas tree at a farm. We walked around in the snow and had a great time deciding what tree to finally take home. But after the divorce, that tradition just didn’t feel right, so we made adjustments and have done it differently from then on. My wasband always put the lights on the tree. The first year my high-school son and some of his friends went out and found a huge tree because we were still in our big house. The next year we went to a lot and found a beautiful tree and brought it home. I suggested just putting the lights in one big clump as a sort of avant-guard Christmas statement. To keep that from happening, my son took over the job of putting the lights on. What had always been lights put up by a lighting company became lights on my house that I could put up myself. I baked the same cookies and put up our familiar stockings. Our post-divorce holiday has evolved so it’s comfortable for everyone. Take some time today to think about what you want this next week to be for yourself and for your family. We decided to draw names this year. I think everyone was relieved because money is shorter for all of us. But we’ll all be together on one day --- the day after Christmas. Family is coming in this weekend; we’re driving to Ohio on the 27th. Things change. But the message and meaning of these holy days stay the same. Your number one job is to make sure that these message comes through loud and clear in spite of your divorce.

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