R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts

“The next time you feel like you are falling apart: • Set a timer. •Cry as hard as you can for five minutes. •When the timer rings, get up. •Go on with your day… wash the dishes, pick up your child.” ~ When You Eat at the Refrigerator, Pull Up a Chair by Geneen Roth

I used to occasionally be afraid that if I let myself really feel the immensity of the pain of my divorce, that I would totally fall apart and not be able to get control again. In the beginning of your own midlife divorce journey, you probably feel on the edge of losing it most of the time. I would have to stop by the side of the road after book club because I felt like everyone else was so happily married and my ex-husband had a girlfriend for three years. I cried after parties. I cried at church. But instead of being mad at or impatient with yourself for “having so little control,” give yourself permission. I have a friend who was a grief counselor for many years, and she told me once to set aside a whole day to just wallow in my grief if I needed to. The important thing is to set limits. Say to yourself, I will do this, as the author above suggests, for five minutes. Or 30 minutes or all morning or a whole day. I had two friends, one in Atlanta and one in California, who at different times let me go just cry and talk all I wanted to about everything for a whole weekend. When you give yourself permission to mourn, you acknowledge your grief. You don’t pretend it’s not there. You don’t try to be the unflappable stoic. You allow yourself to be the full, real woman you are who has a reason to mourn. But you will also learn that you are a woman who can find the strength and courage and refreshment you need by allowing yourself to fall apart now and then.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” ~Matthew 5:4 (NIV)