R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts
"Devastating moves are like dissonant sounds; they shatter the eardrums. In contrast a 'quiet' move is the epitome of finesse. 'A soft answer turns away wrath,' but its subdued quality makes it no less efficient." ~ Hans Kmoch, Chess Master
In the process of my midlife divorce, I often didn't respond with a "soft answer." My responses were often harsh, angry, sharp and louder than they needed to be. I have heard the verse about 'a soft answer turns away wrath,' my whole life, but it wasn't until I read the quote by Hans above that I realized the real power of a soft answer. A soft answer does defuse anger, and I always thought in the back of my head that its purpose is to keep the peace. But the real value of a soft answer is that it gives you power. It puts you above your antagonist. It keeps you in control of the situation instead of flying off the handle and letting your angry words get in the way of your real point. If your ex-husband or soon-to-be-ex-husband says things that make you furious and make you respond in an out-of-control way, that gives him power. Your calm, unemotional response might make him take a second look and think, "let's see, these ridiculous statements I'm making aren't getting the response I usually get. They aren't getting the frantic, flustered, frustrated response I want. What's up with that? What does that mean? She isn't some little emotional weakling I can lead around wherever I want her to go. She is stronger than I thought. She is wiser than I thought. Wait a minute, she looks like the in control one here. I am looking pretty ridiculous." Your soft answer doesn't just prevent a firestorm of anger, it gives you power. It gives you control. It is an efficient, effective tool to win the bigger game .... which in this particular instance is your own well-being. Try a soft answer next time. "A quiet move is subdued, but unbelievably efficient." See how frustrated HE becomes.
"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." ~Proverbs 15:1 (NIV)
