R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts

"When you find yourself in a useless battle, walk off the battlefield." ~Hugh Prather in The Little Book of Letting Go
One of the most helpful books for me going through the process of divorce was the book by Melody Beattie called The Language of Letting Go. You should get that book. Hugh Prather's book is more cerebral, more philosophical, while Melody's is easier to understand and more practical. But I think Hugh's comment above is very helpful. I know during my midlife divorce struggle, I fought so many unnecessary battles. I thought if I just said the right words or did the right things or talked loudly enough, my then-husband would get the picture, would see what he was really doing, would finally come to his senses. But the reality was that I was spitting into the wind. My words meant nothing. His mind was made up. His course had been charted; his decisions made and he was busy clothing those decisions in words and thoughts that would make his actions acceptable not only to himself, but to our friends our children, other family members and anyone else who would listen. The fact was, I should have walked off the battlefield on many occassions instead of engaging in a war that I could never win. Letting go means realizing that the real battle is out of your hands. It's sometimes hard to come to grips with the fact that your words and arguments and point of view have no influence. He is going to do what he wants to do and engaging you in battle only makes you look bad. One thing that really helped me was handing over those unwinable battles to God. I would say, "God, this is your battle. You do your stuff. I've tried mine and it didn't work. I am leaving the battlefield." It's amazing how your disconnect often has more impact on your ex than all the words you would ever say to him. Let him fight on in his own little battles. When you leave the field, he begins to look ridiculous not only to you, but to everyone else as well.
"... the battle belongs to the Lord." ~I Samuel 17:47 a (NIV)