R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts
“Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.”
Barbara De Angelis - American researcher on relationships and personal growth.
When you are divorcing or divorced at midlife, you usually have older children. And children, like all children, push the limits. That's their job. This is the time when they are figuring out life styles and life values and what they are going to build their decisions on. They aren't usually consciously thinking about all of that ... they are just pushing the limits, period. All kids do that, but when your ex-husband demonstrates by his actions that promises don't matter, that sex with someone you are not married to is alright, that lying is okay if it keeps you out of trouble, that sneaking around is what everyone does, then your job becomes harder. Your children know that those things he has done are not right, but they are wanting to do some things that are probably not the best either, and they are looking to us for some boundaries. Boundaries that are hard to set. Boundaries that would be easier to let slide ... "because they are struggling with so much right now anyway." And then there are the boundaries that are fuzzy, that may just be a personal thing with us. Boundaries make people uncomfortable sometimes. But they also let us maintain our own sense of integrity. They at least demonstrate that we have some values whether others agree with them or not (and they usually don't) When our ex-husband tells everyone we don't understand and we're too uptight, it's easy to lower our own standards to try to make everyone like us and to prove that we can be as much fun as everyone else. But if you are compromising your own integrity, you won't really be happy. Don't be judgmental. Don't put other people down. Don't be holier than thou. But do have the courage to live with integrity, however hard it may seem at the moment. The victory will come.
"For the Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding. He holds victory in store for the upright , he is a shield to those who walk with integrity, for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones.
~ Proverbs 2: 6-8
