R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts
"The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."
- Dorothy Nevill
This is the time of year when you will probably be attending group "Holiday" parties. Every organization has some sort of gathering at this time of year. My book club is going to dinner next week and so is the Big Questions group. My grandkids have holiday programs and holiday basketball tournaments. Work places, religious fellowships, neighborhoods and friends have parties at this time of year. And if you're going through a midlife divorce most of the people at these gatherings don't know quite what to do with you or quite what to say to you. Sometimes they worry that if they say the wrong thing you might start crying. Sometimes they fear that if they encounter you, they are in for a non-stop tirade about your uncaring, selfish, misdirected, promise breaking ex-husband or soon-to-be ex-husband. Here's my advice ... from lots of years and lots of women and lots of mistakes. Make it easy on your friends. If you are invited to a gathering over the holidays, do NOT use that as an opportunity to unload. You can do that later in private with those close to you. Before you go to a party, think in your head what you want to say when someone asks, "How are you?" Be honest, but in this setting be lighthearted. If you have not healed enough to be able to talk without crying, don't go. People will understand. But if you do attend, say something like,"I know someone who's getting a lump of coal in his stocking, but I think I'm going to do alright!" Or "I'm having to adjust, but there are some positive things I'm learning." Or "This situation sucks at this time of year, but if I can get through this, I think I can get through anything." Or "I'm sort of struggling through this Christmas (or Hanukkah or whatever), but I am already working on some really good resolutions for next year!" Then ask them how they are doing ... and really listen. Okay now, one more time: before the party, think about what you want to say. Say something that will help the person you are speaking with look at you with respect and admiration. DO NOT have anyone talking in the car on the way home about how vindictive and ugly and bitter you are. It's hard; but I guarantee, as the quote above reminds us ... good conversation includes "leaving unsaid things you are tempted to say."
"When she speaks, her words are wise and kindness is the rule for everything she says." ~Proverbs 31:26
