R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts
"You feel not only totally alone but also that everyone else is at a party."
Anne Lamotte, Author of Bird by Bird
Loneliness is one of the most discouraging, desperate, sad feelings that we can experience. A midlife divorce often makes you feel unbelievably lonely and isolated, especially if your children have left home and your friends seem to be avoiding you. Those lonely days and nights early on in my divorce were the hardest for me to handle, and it didn't help that I also thought that everyone else in the world was "at a party," so to speak. My ex-husband was still part of all of our social groups because they mostly were built around his profession. He still went to all the conferences and social gatherings with "our" friends, but he went with his new girlfriend or later with his new wife. I could picture them all sitting around having a great time without a second thought about me. Well, after a few notes and calls from friends within those groups, I realized that they did miss me and they were sorry about the situation. I appreciated everyone one of those expressions of concern. However, you ultimately are the one who has to figure out how to deal with the loneliness. Here are a few things that don't work. They might bring you a little short-term consolation, but they don't really fix anything. Busyness doesn't work forever. Buying stuff is dangerous. You can only do that so long before you're in debt big time. Staying in bed (escape) or getting in bed (random sex) aren't long term solutions. It's hard, but when you are lonely, try to reach out to someone else. Try to do something good. Calm yourself and try to understand that this phase will not last forever. I know going through it is the worst, but find your own activities or meditations to help you get through this growing period with grace. Completely feel your loneliness (sob and scream if you have to) so that you can eventually move on and help someone else who is lonely. Loneliness is the pits. Just remember God understands and is the one sure reality who will always be by your side. His Spirit is called the Comforter. Use this time to fully embrace his omnipresent power and peace. This refining won't last forever and it can make you strong and courageous in ways you don't expect and won't believe until you are through it.
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD you God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
Deuteronomy 31: 6 (NIV)
