R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Thoughts for R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women
"Being a widow is way better than being a divorcee. It's better in every way. Financially, definitely. And it has to be far less damaging emotionally. Plus, everybody feels sorry for you and wants to help out. Nobody takes sides after a funeral the way they do with a divorce; there's only one side left standing. Widowhood is so much easier on the friend pool."
The Sweet Potato Queens Book of Love
I have friends who are widows. I am not in any way minimizing the pain of that experience. They have their own special agonies to deal with in that situation. But I do agree with the Sweet Potato Queens quote above. Divorce is a rejection that widows don't have to deal with. Husbands don't decide to die, but they do decide that you are not fun enough or pretty enough or good enough to stay married to. At least that's how it feels. Our divorce-desiring mate made the conscious choice to give up what we have built together for all those years. I don't know of any worse rejection than that. And like the author above says, "Widowhood is ... easier on the friend pool." In my long-term marriage, most of our social connections were through my then-husband's profession. I had some women connections of my own, but most book clubs don't have conferences where they have a weekend getaway with interesting tours and grand balls and delicious, private dinners. Most high school PTAs don't have black-tie dances. And instead of feeling sorry for you, some people seem to try to figure out what was "really" wrong with you that your husband would have to leave. Plus you have to keep seeing him either alone or with his skinny, attractive, always fun new wife. I just want you to understand that what you are going through is the worst of the worst as far as personal rejection is concerned. Just accept that. But because it is the worst, you will grow the most because of it. Adversity dealt with correctly can make us stronger and more loving and more beautiful than ever. It's just the pits to get through. Just remember, your husband is the real "loser" here. Not you. Just because he was dumb enough or misdirected enough or selfish enough to give you up, doesn't mean you are the one who is flawed. Neither one of you are perfect. You aren't. He isn't. But just because he made the choices he did, don't think it's all your fault. Just realize you are in for some tough days and nights, but after it's all behind you, you can find a new life that is way beyond your expectations. That is God's promise if we handle this situation right. Let your ex-husband go. You deserve something better.
"Our Lord is great, with limitless strength; we'll never comprehend what he knows and does. God puts the fallen on their feet again and pushes the wicked into the ditch."
Psalm 147: 5 (The Message)
